June 2002 I bought my last Father's Day present for you. Do you remember what it was, Daddy? I don't have a clue anymore, that's how long there's been a Father's Day without you † It doesn't matter. Every year on Father's Day I think of you. I then leaf through my photo book and have to smile at the photo of me as a one-year-old girl smelling flowers in your vegetable garden. That was my biggest hobby then. I wanted to know what smell each flower had and I still can't resist smelling the flowers.
This week I saw your 7 year old granddaughter smelling a bunch of flowers. “Mama, this smells so good, you have to smell it!” she called to me. I recognized her enthusiasm and thought how nice it would have been if you could experience this and recognize me in that little girl. At the same time, you would also recognize a part of yourself in that little girl.
You probably remember the song “Papa” by Stef Bos. This song is also sung by Chantal Janzen. “Who?” I hear you say. Fourteen years ago she won the John Kraaijkamp Musical Award for emerging talent. But yes, you were not really into the musical, so I can imagine that you don't know her.
She now presents many TV programs and has sung that song, which makes me feel better as a woman with the song identify. “Dad, I look more and more like you ”, she sings so moving that it enters every person with a heart. I'd be lying a little bit if I said I'm looking more and more like you. I look most like mommy, but I know that I also inherited a lot of temperament and perseverance from you † Just like your granddaughter, by the way.
And now it's almost Father's Day again. The fourteenth time without you. The kids feel sorry for me. “You don't have a father and mother, so you never have Father's Day and Mother's Day ”, said Youngest Son once. “That's not nice at all!”, Daughter tried to make clear. “But then you never have to buy a present for your father or mother. Then we have money left over”, said Eldest Son wisely. It's wonderful how children can think. There is still something positive about missing a father 😉 . I recently wrote a blog about Mother's Day without a mother, a bit the same, but very different.
This year my mini vegetable garden is blooming and the Dahlias color the garden into a cheerful whole. I stick my nose in the flower and feel you are standing next to me † Too bad we can't take a picture of it…
The truth you sought
and you never found
I also seek it and in vain
as long as I live
Stef Bos – Papa
