A little while ago Anne wrote an article about age difference in a relationship and its possibilities and impossibilities. We received a lot of reactions from our readers and Jacoline wanted to share her story with us about the fact that a big age difference really shouldn't be a problem. Jacoline tells…
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When I was 28, my husband was 44 years old. So we differ in age just over 15 years.
I had had a long and difficult relationship, with many problems, including financially due to my ex's drug problems. Tried to keep all the balls in the air and meanwhile got hard on myself. I tried to get my ex off his addiction, and time and again was disappointed and humiliated and treated less myself. No one knew about our problems and I always pretended I was okay.
Keeping those balls in the air went well to some extent until they fell to the ground when my grandfather passed away. No one understood why I was overstrained at about age 25.
I knew, but didn't even dare tell my psychologist at the time that I was in a relationship with a drug addict and I worried every month whether I could still eat at the end of the month.
At a certain point it had gotten to the point where I did choose for myself and decided to continue on my own. The man I have been with since I was 13 e He had been together for years, he had to solve his problems himself, because I couldn't do it for him anymore. I went under it. The last thing I arranged for him was that the house was sold properly and all debts paid off. I could choose further and for myself.
Then I promised myself that I wouldn't start anything serious with anyone for a year. In addition, a new relationship would only "happen" if I met a man who would be good for me. And otherwise I'd be alone. Because the life I've lived… I definitely don't want that again. Just taking care of someone else and going under yourself.
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And so it happened. More than a year later, I went out for an evening with a colleague of mine. An 80's party. And when I sat there and a friend of that colleague came in, I immediately thought. That one is nice!!!!! He would also come to the party and we had an unforgettable evening.
Love at first sight? I never believed in it, but it really exists I can tell you 😉 . We started talking and there was a definite click. The feeling was so incredibly strong and indescribable because we only knew each other for one evening.
But what I do know is that I never left the man who is still my husband. Despite a big age difference.
Now I know how it feels. Being one together. The feeling that - when you say something - he says 'I just had that in mind'. That you say something and your husband feels or complements you. That he spontaneously takes you to a place you've wanted to go for so long. That he effaces himself and does everything for you, so that you are happy. And that this is certainly also the case the other way around, there is a large age difference completely outside of that.
In a week we knew each other's entire history. My husband's life was certainly not a bed of roses either. His sister's death shaped him. Live every day, have fun, that's how he stood and stands in life.
I had to learn that, because I'm not that laid back and relaxed. I quickly worry about things and always see bears on the road. “Everything will be fine,” my husband says. "Relax, don't worry." He complements me, he is my support and refuge in everything. And lately I've been his mainstay. And I tell him 'everything will be fine, don't worry'.
This way you support each other and you are there for each other. We belong together, life doesn't always go the way you want and hope, but it all has a purpose. My goal was this man 😉 . He is good to me and we enjoy having each other. We got married when I turned 30, so pretty soon. And after a while our dream came true and we became mom and dad.
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Of course you think about what a big age difference means for your future. The rents keep rising, what will it be like when I'm alone? How am I supposed to pay the rent if I'm going to live alone in this house and retire? Couple. You don't know, do you.
Yet you should also discuss the future for your child. You want to be there for your child. A repaid house would then be nice. But after I had bought a flat twice, I was not looking forward to buying another flat. A single-family home was my dream, but my husband didn't feel like doing odd jobs, well then you notice the big age difference a bit. Finally we came across a new house. After 50 years, my husband had to leave his faithful city of Leiden. But he will do anything for our family. Now we live in a house for sale.
The idea that -when I am 67- this house is paid off and I can live in a house with my 2 children for a low price gives me a good feeling. Something you might not think about otherwise, but we do. We are older parents, but life is going the way it is and we wouldn't have wanted to miss this happiness. Our children are an enrichment of our lives.
And making such a business decision as buying a house for the future of the youngest parent is part of a relationship with a big age difference. You have to stay realistic and that sometimes causes worries. We try to live consciously and healthily and to celebrate life. Because happiness, health and love, that's what life is all about. And not a big age difference.
Yet we also live from day to day as far as our relationship is concerned. Because there may be an age difference of 15 years, that says nothing about who will die first. My sister-in-law was only 33 years old. You can of course worry your whole life about the big age difference and the fact that you will be alone early when you retire. That you will have to miss your husband, your buddy, your little gabber, your life partner and soul mate...
But it is better to enjoy now that you have found that partner, despite a large age difference.
