Raising not from automatic behaviour, but precisely from conscious choices that you make. I actually think it sounds complicated when I think about it… probably because I always do everything sort of automatically. That is far from self-conscious parenting, which is what I do.
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In Jobbeke de Jong's view, self-conscious parenting (ZBO) is parenting based on insight into your own life themes. So that you can make conscious choices in your relationship with your child and not fall into automatic behavior that can make you feel bad later on. If you know how you are put together and how your life story influences your reactions to your child(ren), you will gain more insight into what you could do differently and how successful parenting comes within reach.
Do you recognize these statements of yours? Or some of them?
Personally, I can say that I recognize some of the above statements. But recognizing does not give you 'the power' to actually change it. You resolve to do things differently from now on, but you notice that it is not easy to do so. Before you know it, you'll be shooting into exactly that reaction you didn't want anymore. Recognizable?
From insight you come to acceptance, from the acceptance you come to relaxation, and relaxation offers the space to replace your automatic response with one that is more effective in relation to the goal you want to achieve. Well, that's quite a mouthful when you read it, but it sounds logical actually.
I recognize what de Jong is saying all too well and I want to share some of my own experiences with you.
My son can be quite fickle and get very angry. For very small things. Or intensely sad. Because he can't do something, for example. I tend to react automatically and impulsively. Sometimes I also get angry at such a moment, purely because I am at work myself and don't feel like 'whining again'. Another time, for example, I think … let's watch some TV, then I can move on. This while I actually don't get any happier. There are moments in my upbringing when I encounter myself quite a bit.
The following just happened. "Maaaaam, can I have a Coke?" Me:"No, you know that, it's not a weekend." My son:'But yesterday (not a weekend day) it was allowed!' That's right, he was right about that. Yesterday we came back from a weekend away and we were still in holiday mode with the whole family. Nice to have a bite to eat, and in the afternoon he and his boyfriend were allowed to have a glass of soda. From the living room I hear him grumbling and making himself angrier. 'Yesterday it was allowed!' Yesterday it was allowed!'
Now, at this point, I could have chosen to go back on autopilot. Grumbling and angrily telling him to stop whining, with all the consequences that entails.
But I changed my mind in time. Probably because I was just reading the information about ZBO. I walked over to him, sat down with him, and asked him what he would prefer. A strict and consistent upbringing from me (read:us) whereby he is never allowed to drink a glass of soda during the week, or every now and then an exception that we determine.
He thought for a moment and came to the conclusion that the latter was his preference after all. For a while he tried to get rid of orange juice, which is really drunk here on a regular basis, but I only had to remind him that it is also very sweet and unhealthy and he agreed to a nice glass of water! 1-0 for the big man I thought. And that from a completely relaxed situation. Actually, I was quite amazed at myself.
Now I shouldn't pretend that this is easy for me, because that is certainly not the case. I am convinced that chance showed me this, because I was just reading about the workshop of Self-awareness.
Would you like to learn from yourself and break through old patterns in order to achieve a more relaxed way of parenting? Then try what I did above. Or try parenting with humor. Teach your children to love themselves through loving parenting. With less internal struggle and less external struggle. With more compassion for yourself and more compassion for others. Learned young is done old!
The book below can help you on your way, you can find it at Bol.com
