In every relationship, discussions or arguments sometimes occur. Often these discussions are about the most trivial matters and they are also conducted on an evening that should have been just as nice or cozy. No pressure at all † What starts as a minor disagreement can quickly turn into a huge fight. As a result, you both lie silently in bed and are disappointed with the whole situation that has arisen. Yet you really will not take the first step towards reconciliation. Recognizable? Surely! Yet there is a technique to improve communication in your relationship.
Fortunately, there is now a theory that gives us the key to effective communication. Would you (almost) never again be the victim of a ruined date night or a forced "nice" Christmas Eve?
How you handle emotions can be very different from the way your partner does. One will be screaming and swearing during an argument, while the other silently sits at the table or even walk away † If one thing is certain, it is that the way you regulate emotions affects your mental and physical well-being. But how can you improve that communication in your relationship? Cognitive therapy has always referred to the thoughts you have and how you can change them to feel better. But is this really effective?
Also read:did you know that partners in a good relationship are heavier on average?
Nowadays, more and more attention is being paid to the positive effects of mindfulness. With mindfulness you do not change your thoughts, but you accept the thoughts as they are and you have an objective relationship with these thoughts, so without judgment.
Mindfulness has developed the self-determination theory (SDT) in which the integrative emotion regulation is promoted. This can also improve communication in your relationship. This way of regulating emotions would be healthy because you take an interested and tolerant attitude towards negative emotions † That way you can find out the causes. Because you accept your own emotions and thoughts as they are (positive and negative), you can resolve personal conflicts with an open and interested attitude. This increases empathy for the other.
So you will no longer hide your own emotions or try to change your thoughts, as in traditional cognitive therapy.
A recent study by Shahar, Kalman-Halevi &Roth (2018) examined three different modes of emotion regulation during discussions between romantic partners. Namely; suppressing emotions , distance of the other and the previously described integrative emotion regulation † In the first two techniques for dealing with discussions, you either suppress your own emotions (the little bomb that will explode very slowly) or you distance yourself from your partner in order to avoid the situation. This will not improve communication within your relationship.
Results of the research show that you get the best results with integrative emotion regulation. This means that when you apply this technique, it leads to better communication in the relationship and that the partners experience more progression during the discussion. In addition, unlike when you hide emotions or distance yourself, there is no “arousal” (sort of excitement). You probably recognize this:Your partner walks away during a discussion or argument or starts to "ignore". As a result, you only become even more irritated. So it doesn't work!
Okay ladies Thanks to the above research, we now know how best to deal with our own emotions during a discussion with our partner. In this way we can also adopt a more open attitude towards his or her emotions. This will then lead to a more productive discussion, after which we don't spend the whole evening in useless discussions and we might end that date night very nicely. Or improve our relationship. Also useful information for the somewhat forced merry Christmas? After all, this does not only involve improving communication in the relationship with your partner, but perhaps also with other family members 😉 .
Love, Dear
