The days of breaking up and yelling "bye" as you slammed the door into the merry single world are over. If you've been in a relationship and you have children together, it's not that simple anymore. The father of your child(ren), however ex, you have to continue with that. But talking to your ex can be learned, really. In the co-parenting that me and my ex have, we have learned to communicate well with each other, for the sake of our child.
Our divorce went smoothly. We didn't fight each other and everything went smoothly, just like our entire relationship already. Together we have Marre, for whom we wanted to arrange everything as best as possible. Communication is then a great asset.
Table of Contents
I think that, in theory, every parent wants the best for his or her child. In practice, however, your own interests can still have a greater impact on the negotiations when divorcing with children than you had previously thought. Keeping talking to your ex is the key to success. No matter how difficult that sometimes seems.
We soon had a divorce agreement, a parenting plan and a number of basic agreements. Not a bad word was spoken. In hindsight, mainly because I'm a wimp, I couldn't stand up for myself and I avoid confrontations. well. But I am practical, so all formalities were taken care of in no time.
Tip:Learn more about creating a parenting plan
Yes, then everything is on paper, everyone who should sign it has put a scribble under it. You're divorced, you have a parenting plan. Now the rest of your life can begin. But, spoiler alert, it's only just getting started. There will be times when those agreements are not comprehensive, you or he thinks this is really an exception or there are just irritations.
After 2 years of co-parenting, these are the tips that helped me talk to my ex. Look, you have very limited influence on your ex's behavior. Otherwise you would have managed to turn him into a prince on the white horse. However, as long as you keep your child's best interests in mind, you can get ahead. And somewhere to find the golden mean between being a bitch and letting them walk all over you 😉 .
Sometimes it is really, very tempting to be right. Especially if you're right. You just remember 'see I told you so ' to keep to yourself, but it doesn't make much difference. Sometimes it helps to nod and keep going. Getting into that discussion while your kids are putting on their shoes? Do not do it. Not even if the other person is another half hour late. Really don't. Take boxing lessons or something, also good for your condition by the way.
You are busy with an article that has to be sent out before 4 p.m. today. Then your phone will ping and as soon as you read the message, your hair will stand on end. Why can I do this or that next Friday afternoon?
I'll tell you already; texting your ex a torrent of annoyance is not the most helpful response. It does help if you let us know that you will get back to it tonight or tomorrow. When you are sitting quietly on the couch with a cup of tea and you have checked your agenda. Then determine whether you can help and take a moment to talk or text your ex.
The other person may have asked something very ordinary, but in the middle of your stressful moment, nothing really goes well. But he couldn't possibly know that.
Besides suffering from fear of confrontation, I also suffer from the enormous need to please. Yes, sometimes it doesn't work. I poorly stated what I wanted, which meant that I always had the idea that I had to compromise. That was just my own fault.
Now, for example, I clearly state that I want to leave the 1st week of the May holiday and that it is useful in connection with booking a house if he comes back to it sometime next week. For example, the other person will sometimes also have to arrange things and also like to receive an answer. Creating clarity, but also asking the question itself, saves me a lot of frustration and irritation.
If the contact between you and your ex is difficult, I understand that this is difficult. I think my ex and I have a good -almost friendly- relationship. That means there is room to talk to my ex. But I don't believe you bring out the best in each other if you always stick to 'the rules'.
Working parents already have enough to arrange, so why make it more difficult for each other than necessary? Those always unexpected study days often fall on Mondays with us. Great to do that, I can easily catch it. We may be an atypical example, but if my ex partner Marre wants to take 3 weeks during the summer holidays? Very nice. What would I gain if I stand on my week? I give her that time with her father and vice versa. Yes, that's how we are. If you are not like that, it is in any case advisable to continue to communicate. Maybe this will eventually make it easier to award.
You may not be waiting for it, but now and then it is good, preferably live, to talk about the agreements with your ex. Are all agreements still workable and relevant? That is also the time to indicate what is not going well for you. Try to leave the superlatives and accusations at home, even if the other person doesn't. Think back to the good times you did have and the importance of your children. Take a deep breath. And again 😉 .
Co-parenting together may require more consultation than ever in your relationship. That is tough and not always easy. Still, my December was very relaxed; Christmas and New Year's Eve were arranged, the spring break and the May holiday have been divided in good consultation. In a few months I will make a proposal for the summer holidays. Sometimes it's a deep breath, but most of the time it's actually not that bad. I hope you also had a nice December without too much fuss about the children. Enjoy the moments together!
