Recent studies show that certain phrases commonly used when talking to people children can have a destructive effect on them.
These sentences can sound positive and are guided by good attentions.
But they push the children who hear them to no longer trust their intuitions.
They encourage them to use lies, do as little as possible, and ultimately give up when the going gets tough.
Here is a list of 10 things to stop telling your child right now. You will also find what to say instead .
These new expressions should help your children develop their ability to control their feelings and emotions:
At first glance, saying “well done” to your child seems like a great way to motivate him. The problem with this expression is that it is often used repetitively and for things that did not require much effort from the child.
Therefore, it teaches him that he can be praised for anything and everything, as long as mommy and daddy said it (and only when mommy and daddy said it).
Instead, you could say "Wow! It wasn't easy, but you did it!" . By emphasizing the effort the child had to put in to achieve a result, you teach him that the fact of having tried is just as important as the result.
It also teaches him that it is important to be persistent when he tries to do something difficult and failures are only a step towards success.
Even if you say it sincerely and with the best of intentions, this expression may have the opposite effect of what you intended.
Most of the time, parents use this phrase to motivate their child and increase their self-confidence. Unfortunately, it doesn't have that effect on children at all.
When a child hears "you're a nice boy" after doing something you asked him to do, he only thinks he's "nice" because he did what you asked of him. strong>
And that's not the best thing for him. In effect, this sets up a model of functioning in which the child fears losing his status as a "nice boy".
As a result, he only listens to you because he wants to be congratulated and not because he wants to do something good.
Instead, try telling her “It’s really great when you listen to us! ". This makes it clear to your child what you expect of them and how their behavior influences your life.
You can even try taking the affective part out of the sentence altogether and say something like "I saw you shared your toys with your friend".
Said like that, your child decides for himself if sharing something with someone is a "good" thing or not. He is thus the only one to decide if he wants to repeat this behavior instead of doing it only because it makes you happy.
When we give our opinion and our appreciations on the drawing of a child, it deprives him of being able to judge and evaluate his own work.
Instead, try saying "I see red, blue, and yellow!" Can you describe your drawing to me? .
By making a simple observation instead of giving your opinion on his drawing, you allow the child to decide for himself whether the drawing is "beautiful" or not. Who knows ? Maybe the child just wanted to draw something scary?
And by asking him to describe his drawing, you encourage him to evaluate his own work and share his intentions. Human qualities that will help him develop his creativity as he grows up (and maybe one day he will become an artist).
Threatening a child is rarely a good idea. First, you're teaching him a behavior that you really don't want him to do when he grows up. Indeed, using violence to get what you want because the other person refuses to cooperate is not very healthy behavior.
Secondly, by threatening him, you put yourself in a very complicated situation. Or, you have to go through with it and you have to apply the punishment that you pronounced in anger. Either you back off and forgo the punishment, which shows your child that your threats are meaningless.
In both cases, you don't get the result you want and you damage the relationship you have with your child.
Even if it is not necessarily very easy to resist the urge to utter threats to get what you want easily, try instead to show your vulnerability, and refocus your child towards healthier behavior. by saying for example:
“It’s NOT GOOD to kick your brother. I'm afraid you'll hurt him or he'll hit you back. If you want to hit something, you can hit a cushion, the sofa or your bed. »
By offering a less dangerous alternative that allows him to express his feelings, you show him that you take his emotions into account while clearly establishing limits that should not be crossed.
This will have the positive consequence of improving your child's ability to control themselves better and also to get to know themselves better emotionally.
Trying to bribe a child is just as destructive. Why ? Because it dissuades him from wanting to listen to you simply in order to keep harmony between you and him.
This kind of sentence can quickly get out of hand, especially if it is used frequently. Indeed, your child will quickly understand that he can use it against you by saying, for example, "I won't clean my room if you don't buy me Legos!" .
Instead, say “Thank you so much for helping me clean up! » . When you show sincere appreciation to a child, they are instinctively much more motivated to continue helping you next time.
And if your child hasn't been very helpful lately, remind them of the last time they helped you out by saying something like, "Do you remember the last time you went out? the bin ? It really helped me. Thank you ! ". Then, give them time to come to the conclusion on their own that helping you can be fun and rewarding at the same time.
When you tell a child that he is intelligent, you would think that it gives him self-confidence and that it develops his self-esteem.
But in fact, this kind of compliment produces exactly the opposite effect. By telling a child that he is intelligent, we make him understand that he is intelligent only when he gets a good grade or when he achieves a specific goal.
And that, unfortunately, is a lot of pressure for a child to bear. In fact, a study has shown that when a child is told they are smart after finishing a puzzle, they are less likely to try a more difficult puzzle next time. Why ? Because children are afraid of being thought of as "smart" if they can't complete this new puzzle.
Instead, try praising your kids when they get the hang of it. By emphasizing the effort they put in rather than the result achieved, you show the child what is important in life.
Yes, completing a puzzle is fun, but it is just as important to have the will to want to make another one even more difficult .
This same study also showed that when you praise a child for showing perseverance by saying, for example, "Wow, you really did your best on that one!", there is a greater chance may these children want to try a more complex puzzle next time.
Watching your child cry is never easy. But when we tell him “Don't cry”, we imply to him that it is not normal to cry and that his tears are not acceptable. The child thus understands that it is preferable not to show his emotions. As a result, this can later lead to excesses of temper or anger.
When your child cries, be there for him without trying to judge him. Say simple things like “It’s okay to cry. Everyone cries from time to time. Don't worry, I'm here to help you and talk about it. »
You can also try to find and express the emotions your child is feeling by saying, for example, "You're really disappointed that we can't go play in the park together, right? .
This kind of sentence helps your child to understand his emotions and also helps him to verbalize them more easily and quickly. In addition, by helping him to express his emotions, you also help him to better regulate and control them. A quality that will help him throughout his life.
Broken promises hurt. Truly bad. And, since life is clearly unpredictable, it is highly recommended that you remove such phrases from your vocabulary.
Instead, try to be as honest with your child as possible. Saying for example “I know you want to play with your friend Mathieu this weekend and I will do everything possible so that you can play together. But remember that sometimes unexpected things happen. So I'm going to do my best but I can't guarantee you'll see Mathieu this weekend, okay? .
When you say you're going to do your best, it's important that you really do your best. By keeping your word, you build a relationship of trust, while by breaking a promise, you deteriorate it. Therefore, be careful what you say to your child. And really go out of your way to meet your commitments.
A final note on this subject:if you do not keep your word, it is important to recognize it and apologize to your child. Think about the fact that you are the one teaching your child how to behave when he does not keep his commitments.
Breaking a promise happens to everyone at one time or another. And, even if a small promise made to a child may seem insignificant, it can have a real impact on him.
Therefore, do your best to be a model of honesty . And when that's not possible, show your child that you know how to take responsibility for your mistakes.
Children are very sensitive to what we say and we don't necessarily realize the impact we can have on their emotions. Therefore, many things we say can bring them down without us knowing.
Children often give a lot of importance to things that may seem insignificant to us as adults. Therefore, when your child wants to do something that you don't want to do, avoid saying, “It's okay! if he reacts badly.
Instead, try to see things from your child's perspective. Have empathy for him. Try to put yourself in his shoes and feel his emotions even if you're saying no to what he's asking of you.
For example, you could say, "I know you really wanted to do this, but it's not going to be possible today. or “I know you're disappointed but the answer is no. »
These sentences take much better into consideration the emotions felt by your child. They show that you respect him and will be much more effective than trying to convince him that his cravings don't matter.
When your child does something you don't like, it's important to talk to him about it one-on-one. However, it is not in the heat of the moment that your child will learn from his mistake.
When you ask your child "Why did you do that?" you force him to think and analyze his behavior. Yet this type of reflection and analysis is a difficult thing to do even for adults.
Faced with such a complex question, many children withdraw into themselves and become defensive.
Instead, try to have an open discussion where you try to guess what your child may have felt and what was their motivation for behaving that way. For example, you could say, "Did you feel upset because your friends weren't listening to your idea? .
There is another advantage to this method. By trying to understand your child's real needs and emotions, you too may feel less upset when you find out what really happened.
“Oh! He bit his friend because he needed more space and was scared. In fact, he didn't really know how to react. It's not a terror, it's only a child! .
