Father Gerard has a rainbow family:“We form a harmonious family together”
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A rainbow family is a family in which more than two parents care for a child together. In the case of father Gerard, it concerns a family with two fathers and a mother. A family in which it has already been decided before the birth of the child that there will be more than two parents to raise the child, a conscious choice.
In the Netherlands, a rainbow family, a family with more than two parents, is becoming increasingly common. In the summer of 2017, we encountered a rainbow family at a beautiful French campsite. Gerard, his partner Amerigo and their son Liam were next to us at the campsite. My daughter Laura was looking for a playmate and so a nice contact was created between us and the children. We clicked immediately and we decided to make it a fun week together. Gerard, one of the fathers, wanted to participate in an interview for Mams at Work. Read his story about fatherhood, upbringing and multiple parenthood.
“I've always wanted to have children. However, I knew that in my situation it would be very difficult to become a father, so I didn't expect it to happen. When I was 33 years old I worked in youth care. It was then that I had the desire to become a foster parent. I saw in practice how much foster parents were needed to take in children who were placed out of their homes. I wanted to mean something to those children. My partner Amerigo was also open to this. We had already made plans to attend an information evening about foster care when a good friend of Amerigo's, Liedewij, approached us with a question. She wanted to talk to us because she was looking for a father.” That was the start of our rainbow family.
“Liedewij had a great desire to have children and did not want to wait for a possible partner. Preferably she wanted a well-known father who really wanted to play a role in the upbringing. She didn't like an anonymous donor. She was looking for a father for her future child in her own circle of friends. She wanted to realize this with us, preferably in co-parenting. She saw us both as fathers in the future and wanted to talk more about this with us. This was quite a transition for us. Having your own child in a rainbow family is something very different from a foster child.
We thought about it and decided to move on. A process of conversations between the three of us ensued. You have to discuss all kinds of things with each other and that took time. The decision was made that Amerigo would become a biological father and after a period of almost two years of talking, we decided to go for it. Fortunately, Liedewij quickly became pregnant and a special period followed."
“The period of the pregnancy and the first year after the birth of Liam was a very special period. Even though I'm not Liam's biological father, I immediately felt a strong bond with him. I really felt a connection between us and I really liked that.
Since I wasn't the biological father, I was looking for my new role as a "third" parent. Everyone around us reacted very positively to the news that Amerigo and I had become fathers. For us, the first period was really looking for how we were going to approach parenthood. At that time, Liedewij lived far away from us and was looking for a house in Amsterdam, but that was not going so fast.
For the first three months, Liam mainly stayed with his mother. After that, Liedewij came to visit us every other weekend. She would then sleep with our son and do the evening ritual. When Liam was six months old, he stayed with us every other weekend. This period that Liam stayed with us without his mother was difficult for Liedewij. She had to let go of care altogether and hand it over to us, her fellow educators in the rainbow family. From that moment on we started extending the weekends and that went very smoothly. Now 7 years later, Liam always stays with us from Sunday to Tuesday and sometimes we extend it and he comes earlier on Saturday or stays on Tuesday too.”
“Liam's upbringing is going well. The three of us discuss important matters, but we also give each other the space to give our own interpretation to the upbringing. We always discuss things like how things are going at school and Liam's development with the three of us. We always discuss holidays and vacations well in advance. We are on the same page.
We live in two different houses but form a harmonious family in our own way. Liam is completely used to the situation and he likes it the way it is. He is completely happy when Amerigo, Liedewij and I are with him. He really enjoys those moments.”
“I feel like a very involved father, but legally I am not and that can be difficult at times. Liedewij and Amerigo are officially the parents of Liam and I am not. I am not officially registered as the father of Liam because that is not possible according to Dutch law. That can sometimes lead to unpleasant situations.
Suppose Liam got sick and ended up in the hospital. I am not an authoritative parent and cannot prove that I am his father. For example, I am not allowed to make medical decisions. Dutch law is not yet designed for a rainbow family with multiple parenthood. There is currently a new law ready that would change that, but unfortunately it has been parked. The interest group Meer dan Gewenst has been fighting for years to change Dutch law, but so far this has not happened. Hopefully that will change in the future.”
“The great thing about multi-parenting as we have defined it is that we have very consciously chosen to become a parent, while the choice for 'having' children is sometimes made less consciously in heterosexual couples. In addition, you can share the care for your child. This is very nice if, for example, Liedewij is away for a few days or becomes ill. We can then simply take over the care for Liam.
Personally, I like that I still have enough freedom on the days that Liam is not there. For us, our rainbow family is very normal, but I also realize that it is special that we now live in a time and country where these family situations are possible. I am very happy that this is possible.”
The More than Wanted Foundation has been fighting for new legislation regarding the rainbow family and multiple parenthood for years. They also organize all kinds of meetings for prospective parents. Do you want to know more about this topic? Then take a look at the website of the More Than Desired Foundation.
