Nothing is more difficult than being cheated on, when we are overcome by intense pain that makes us feel like our world is falling apart. Good news:as excruciating as the ordeal is, we will get over it, because deception is understandable and beyond. Everything will depend on our attitude when managing the event. And the first thing to do, according to sexologist Gérard Leleu, is to “give meaning to the event ". It's very important not to place yourself in the role of a betrayed, flouted victim... On the contrary, we take ourselves in hand by telling ourselves (even if we suffer) that this is an opportunity to reflect on our couple, on our relationship with him, on the reasons which explain why he left to see elsewhere. But at no time do we blame ourselves by saying "it's my fault", "I didn't know", "I'm incapable, useless, not pretty etc. or by placing oneself as the victim of the other ("he's a bastard"). The posture to adopt is indeed that of creator of one's life, and not of being subjected to it. Deception will therefore be the way to develop your couple, or at least yourself.
Once we have adopted this state of mind, we take care of his pain. Gérard Leleu says:"Give your pain greater proportions ". Because the pain of deception reopens above all a childhood wound, often abandonment, or devaluation. It's our ego that wins. We tell ourselves that we have been deceived because we are less good than the other girl, that we make love less well, etc. As a result, we think it is normal for our partner to take the love away from us. But what you have to say is that the intensity of our pain is unfounded. When we were children, yes, being abandoned or fearing it was very hard because it was justified, being abandoned as a child is in life-threatening danger! However, now we are adults, and no one can abandon us anymore... Becoming aware of this allows us to understand that the other, the unfaithful, is not 100% responsible for our pain, since the deepest part of this pain comes from our infantile period which goes back. We can then avoid an accusatory attitude that gives him a bad image of him ("you're a bastard who makes me suffer"), because we put him in a position where he will have to reply... It blocks the "conciliation-reconciliation", says Gérard Leleu again. He advises instead to focus on our wounded child, to understand him, to console him, to take charge of him rather than to lament. “Do you hold yourself accountable by replacing ‘you make me unhappy’ with ‘what am I hurting myself with? “, he adds. Once these reflections have been made, we are better able to put things into perspective a little, to better discuss with the other, and understand why we are experiencing this in our relationship. Courage!
Dr. Gérard Leleu, Always Love, Daily Malin, 2014, 10 euros
