Having children is a major step that marks a profound turning point in your life:for about the next twenty years (at least!), your freedom and your desires will have to accommodate those of a being who is entirely dependent on you. If fortunately, this is in the majority of cases desired, it does not prevent a return to more independence can be expected... but also hide some surprises, not always good. Because we are no longer the same twenty or even thirty years after having children as we were at the time:no longer the same personally, no longer the same physically, and no longer the same in your relationship as a couple… when this one hasn't exploded and rebuilt into another relationship all this time, by the way!
It is that after decades of living together with the children, watching them grow up and emancipate themselves little by little, with all the good times that entails and despite the countless conflicts that also litter this road, there are what to be upset to find again the eyes in the eyes with his partner. The dinner table suddenly seems very calm, and a few decades of parenthood with their lots of dirty diapers and school report cards are enough to dull the flame of the beginnings, even for the most close-knit couple. This is commonly referred to as "empty nest syndrome". We may be proud to see our children flying on their own, some parents will regret their presence at home. Here are some tips for coping with that blues and getting back together with your partner.
Not all parents are familiar with this syndrome. Nevertheless, it would still affect around 35% of them, and it seems a fortiori mothers, who are more often assigned a precisely… maternal function. This is all the more the case in our contemporary societies where the family is built around children. Some will even compare it to a form of “mom unemployment”. This syndrome appears above all in people who have forgotten themselves a little as people, and therefore as lovers and friends — who have, in other words, delegated everything to their role as parents, which has the effect of which is to induce an identity crisis once this role becomes obsolete. Because if the role of parent no longer has any raison d'être, the same applies to the parental couple, which has also become over the years an entity centered around the child or children rather than its own entity. Thus, children sometimes play a role of cement for the parents, and their departure can therefore cause or accelerate the separation of a couple. It is probably not for nothing that divorces are more and more frequent among seniors, having increased by 75% in the decade preceding 2016.
The best way to guard against the occurrence of empty nest syndrome is therefore to anticipate this departure. However, for this, it is necessary to preserve a personal and professional life in its own right, and not to revolve only around your children. This therefore implies an affective life — in short, a life as a couple and not just as parents. In other words, it is important to strive to keep your couple alive even when the children are at home, rather than waiting for the fateful day when you will find yourself face to face again, not knowing what to say to each other now. that there are no more little ones to chaperone, or lecture. It is therefore ultimately a work upstream:the healthier your relationship is, the less the departure of the children represents a risk of affecting it. It is also the couples who are floundering who are most likely to explode in mid-flight on this occasion. And in that case… well, is it really necessary to try to find each other, and to save your marriage? On the contrary, it can be a saving moment:there is still time to rebuild oneself elsewhere, because there is no longer an age limit for separating from one's spouse, and one no longer stays together in the simple interest of children! Because it must be admitted, children often have good backs, to serve as a pretext to avoid broaching any form of annoying subject... Yes, in certain cases, the best way to find themselves as a couple after the departure of the children... c is yet to refound another one!
What is certain is that if your couple is suffering from the departure of children, it will not be enough to foolishly wait for the problem to resolve itself – or for the solution to come from your partner. The two must sit down to discuss it, and try to find ways to break this impasse, together. Again, if you're too lazy to save your couple, it might just be that this one just wasn't worth it! Now back in your "original" configuration, seek to remember what prompted you to get together and start a family... and also take into account what has changed since then and how it affects your expectations and needs. respective.
One option may even be to start couples therapy. There is no shame in having to recognize that your couple is in a bad way and that the flame is no longer there, even if this admission is bound to hurt your ego. The first step to getting better is to recognize this problem and agree to deal with it:start by choosing a shrink who suits you.
It is not always the fault of the parents if their couple suffers a little from the blow of parenthood. After all, it is difficult to be both a wife and a mother, or a husband and a father. The two positions compete with each other, and it is normal not to have as much desire to maintain the flame when the children occupy a dominating place within the couple and are generators of stress. But if children can therefore represent an excuse for having neglected your partner a little, there is no longer any reason to do so once they are no longer constantly dragging your feet!
This therefore concerns common hobbies and activities of course, but also your sexuality as a senior. The time and energy that you no longer devote to your children, therefore devote them to your couple, and to rekindling the flame within it. And there is of course work:your body and your desires have once again changed after the tornado of one or more children. We can never repeat it enough:it's up to you to redefine your respective desires and needs - including in bed! On that, we leave it up to you…
As mentioned above, if having children is an immense happiness, it is also synonymous with strong constraints:household chores, cooking, taxi, and so on. To accept their departure well, you might as well focus on the positive aspects of it and see the good side of things. No more all that, which also means more free time… for you and for your spouse. One of the great advantages of retirement is precisely to finally be able to enjoy your hard work. If you may not be there yet, see this time without the kids as a taste of what's to come. Treat yourself to evenings at the restaurant or at the cinema, go out as a couple… and this, whether you are on weekdays or weekends.
But that's not all. Treat yourself to the trips you've always dreamed of. Because while you've probably been on family excursions over all these years, how many getaways for just two? This is an opportunity to enjoy it again (you will also see that if the children are happy to leave the nest, they would sometimes like you to take them in your luggage, depending on the destination!). Finally, some of you may have even toyed with the idea of moving (in France or abroad for that matter) while depriving yourself of it for fear that it would come as too violent a shock for you. children. This is an opportunity again to consider the idea. In short, nothing better to get you through this delayed baby blues than remembering all the things you often had to deprive yourself of when the children were still at home. You will, hopefully, soon enough regain the taste for independence and autonomy in your life before the children!
