I have been through the struggle with daughters a lot in recent years:in all kinds of variants. I thought I'd already had the worst. Well, it wasn't. I got the full load today. My middle daughter (almost 5 years old) is taking swimming lessons. After her swimming lesson, she can play in a small pool for a while. However, I get into a fight with her time and again when she has to go from the bath to the changing room. Today I had therefore already insisted that I really don't want this fight anymore. But she thought differently about this…
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"No, I want to stay," was her first reaction. “Okay, just a little longer then!”. And a moment later:'Come on, let's go.' 'No, I don't want to yet. "Yes, we'll go. I said just a little longer. And do you remember what we agreed at home?”. "No, that's so cold!" "Would you like a towel? Fine, I'll get it for you.” I hold the towel for her. “No, I want it here.” She points to an indistinct spot right in front of her.” I hold the towel as best I can. “No, here!” She points to an even vaguer location. I say, "I don't know exactly what you mean. Do you want the towel? Yes or no?' 'No!' I want to put the towel away, but then she yells:'Yes!' 'What do you want?' My patience is running out…
"Come on, you're coming out now. I made this agreement with you for a reason.” She looks at me defiantly. “I'm going.” I grab her sister's hand and walk away. “No, I want to come!” “Well, come then!” She makes no move to climb out of the tub, but extends her hand to me instead.” “Want a hand? That's good.” I try to grab her hand, but she pulls it away. She looks at me angrily. “Come on, shake my hand then?” “No!”
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The blood is slowly coming out from under my fingernails. She knows exactly how to get me to this point. And why does she want to? It's a mystery to me. “I grab her hand and try to pull her out of the water.” “No, don't. Do it yourself!” She climbs out and saunters along with me for a while. "Towel!" "How do you say?" "I want a towel!" Ok, if I get mad now she'll freak out even more, so let me just calm down and give her the towel.
“It's not in the right place!” she yells as I lay it over her. ‘Then do it yourself.’, I say. “No, you have to do it.” I try again, but of course don't do it right. Well, we've reached the stage again where everything I do is wrong. She just wants to drive me to despair. Why the hell? What does she like about that? I throw her the towel. "Do it yourself here." I don't have to take everything from her.
She takes the towel, but now for the umpteenth time throws her struggle in a different direction. “Hand!” she shouts. I have no choice. If I don't, she'll get even angrier, so I shake her hand. She walks in front of me. “Other hand too!” “No, there's your sister. That hand is for her.” We walk next to the pool and I want to shake her sister (who can't swim yet).” I really start to boil inside. My patience is running out! I grab her and pull her to the dressing room. “Come with me now!” I can feel all eyes on us, but try not to care as much as possible. They are almost all other parents I think, they understand…
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We got to the showers. Of course she doesn't want to get under that. And if she's under it, she doesn't want to get out of it. It takes forever for me to have her in the dressing room. There she doesn't want to get dressed and lets herself get dressed like a baby, resisting everything and telling me to do it differently. I give her a sermon (while everyone in the dressing room can enjoy it, I don't care anymore!):'What are you thinking! That you can make anything? I really don't understand why you act like that. We agreed that you wouldn't do this again! If you carry on like this, I really won't take you to swimming lessons anymore. Then you just don't learn!' My anger gets bigger and bigger, when I notice that she just casually continues with her struggle...
Finally I got her to the point where she's ready and wants to walk with me with her coat on. I only have to put on her sister's coat, but to my amazement she shouts loudly:'No, do it yourself!' Now the battle with daughters is complete. I put the coat down in front of her, but she tosses it away and yells, "No, you do!" Oh, no! Now she will do it too!
I look at my other daughter angrily. "See what you've done! Now your sister is going to behave just like you did before!', which of course gives me a very angry look from her. And her little sister also turns her back on me and now even walks away, throwing her coat on the floor. I also walk away towards the exit. “Bye, let's go!” I wait at the exit of the dressing room, but don't hear her coming after me. Instead, she screams and yells. And my other daughter:where is she? I look around? She is already standing around the corner at the exit with an angry look and her arms crossed.
I walk back inside and try one more time in the hold to provide my youngest with her coat, without result. I pick up her coat and take her by the hand. She refuses to walk. I pick her up and take her under my arm, while she screams and sputters loudly. My other daughter (thank God) is quietly sauntering along with me. We still have to go through a large fitness hall and a restaurant, packed with people (who unfortunately do not all have young children!). At the exit I manage to get my youngest to put on her coat herself and we can finally go. This struggle with daughters has already destroyed me.
Of course I want to send my middle daughter to her room when we get home, but I change my mind. I tell her I'm going to my room myself and that I won't be out until she comes to apologize (Dad's home!). Then I plop on my bed and burst into tears. I feel like a terrible mother, but I also realize that I couldn't have done it much differently. Whatever I had done. It hadn't helped at all. She had already decided to take up this fight, whatever the cost. I'm also mad at her:Why does she do this every time? And why did my youngest imitate her? Was it pure imitation or did it also have something to do with the fact that I was too angry and that she no longer felt safe?
