I'm not a parenting guru. Far from even. I regularly think - after an action of my own - mmmm, I should have done that differently. But there's one thing I know for sure… forbidding your kids to do anything is really useless. In fact… it backfires. It's the stupidest thing you can do!
A firm statement, but my opinion on this is also firm. Of course you can 'forbid' your child to touch something, for example during the upbringing. For example, we never took anything off the table when the children were small. Some things they were allowed to take from the table and others not. It was that simple. And I'm not going to put anything away for that… they just have to learn that there are things they shouldn't touch. A matter of repetition.
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When I'm talking about forbidding your children, I'm not really referring to the things you teach your children when they are little. I am referring to matters that emerge later in the upbringing, when your children are a bit older. Recently I read it again somewhere 'I have forbidden my children to do anything with alcohol, drugs or smoking'. That really gives me the creeps, I think this is so stupid.
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Admittedly, it depends a bit on the child in question. Do you have a little softie around the house who has never done anything in his or her life that Mommy doesn't want to? Then banning it might help. Temporarily, because if they really have to stand on their own two feet, they will eventually make their own choices.
But do you have a child that develops itself into a self? Not a copy of mom, but your own unique person? Then the ban doesn't work at all! Your child wants to experience what it is like for himself. And I should know, because I am like that myself.
My parents could say what they wanted, but I had to experience it all for myself. With everything actually. But especially with alcohol, smoking and gambling. Not only was it banned, but our home also offered a reward for not starting to smoke. If I didn't smoke until I was 18, my parents gave me my driver's license. The first thing I did when I was 14 and my parents were gone? Light a cigarette in front of the mirror. Look how cool that looked! And that driver's license? That came anyway.
Forbidding your children to do something is rather an invitation to give it a try. Why can't I? Well, I'm doing it secretly, aren't I? Is it still exciting? And as I said, this probably doesn't apply to all children, but it does to a large part of them.
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I was once banned from school for a week. A week! Why? I had crawled into my boyfriend's sleeping bag overnight during a school trip. While this was expressly prohibited. Boys and girls separately! Because imagine hey. That boys and girls of about 17 years old would be together, what could come of that… phew. As if nothing happens if you impose such a ban. Then you are looking for an alternative?
My own children are like me. They want to experience for themselves, do it themselves and choose for themselves. Handy is different, but I should have expected it, after all, they don't get it from a stranger 😉 . Ban them from drinking and smoking? Never. I will have a conversation with them. Again and again if necessary. So that they can ultimately choose for themselves. And then I hope that they have so much faith in us that they assume from us that it is better never to start smoking. And that a drink is okay at some point, but preferably in moderation. Or something like that.
By the way, I am not only involved with these topics, but also with social media. And just a few days ago, I was faced with an educational issue. My daughter was chatting on snapchat with a boy she didn't know.
I felt in my water that something was not right. It was quiet upstairs and I found her with the iPad. I asked what she was doing 'oh.. nothing', I got an answer. Of course I wanted to see for myself and asked if I could see what she was doing. Hesitantly, she handed me the iPad. My hair stood on end when I read his chat. Or that she wanted to send a picture of herself. Of her whole body. The question was softened by the fact that it came after… with clothes on… but still. To be honest, I was shocked. Yet at such a moment it does not occur to me to ban Snapchat, for example.
I did sit down with her right away. To discuss what she can do at such a moment. She had already responded back with 'no', even before I read all this, my sensible - also regularly rebellious - girl. But I still wanted to hold her one more time. Explain what the risks are. Cuddle. Indicate that I love her and that I sometimes worry. Because the world is a bit rotten. But ban? No.
During the day I cuddled her a little more often than usual. And every now and then I asked if she understood me. In this way I hope to strengthen her in making her own wise choices. Instead of 'drive' her into something I ultimately have no control over.
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