As we know, grandparents do not have the same relationship with their grandchildren as parents have with their children. They do not owe them the same impartiality, are also less authoritarian towards them and more complicit, and, whether by personal preference or because of the vagaries of life, it therefore happens that they develop a more privileged bond vis-à-vis them. towards one or some of their grandchildren than towards the others. In many families, we find this chosen child, whose all words are blessed and whose most insignificant successes would overshadow any exploit that one of his cousins could accomplish.
And again, we know that in fact, the parents themselves sometimes also have a favorite among their offspring, although it is much more difficult for them to admit it. But now, vis-à-vis the grandparents, this feeling is less problematic, and whether this is admitted from the outset or simply obvious in view of their relationships with their various grandchildren, it therefore often happens that indeed, these have one or more favorites. According to a study conducted jointly by the specialized Anglo-Saxon sites Mumsnet and Gransnet, it would be 42% of the grandparents questioned who would confide without blushing that they have a favorite among their offspring .
Whether it's the youngest, the only boy or the only girl among the cousins, or even quite simply the "mirror grandchild", in whom they recognize themselves the most, or even that a relationship with one of their descendants in particular revives in them a long-buried maternal or paternal feeling, many factors can explain this preference. It may also be due to greater geographical proximity , or to more frequent solicitation, as is often the case for single-parent families who pass part of their burden onto the grandparents, who themselves are often voluntary in this respect — a closeness which therefore often reinforces naturally a certain preference. Some grandparents feel that one of their grandchildren really needs a little stronger tokens of affection, while others are perhaps less happy to see their line continue with the birth of a boy with their surname …
But whether it is therefore justified or frankly medieval, the preference, ultimately, cannot be controlled, and it is not the parents, among the few who will admit it (according to the study cited above, only 25% of between them would also confess to having a preference for one of their children, this being in this case much less well experienced by the parents themselves), who will affirm the opposite! In some families, it is manifested even before the birth of the chosen one, in others it develops more organically by virtue of personal affinities or geographical proximity. But be that as it may, a bit like tastes and colors, it cannot really be discussed, so obvious is it to everyone's eyes and often not even concealed by the first interested parties themselves, who have no frankly often no complex in this regard as the subject is hardly taboo when you skip a generation. Whether at Christmas, when one is obviously more spoiled than the others, or simply on a daily basis by constant remarks, grandparents do not hesitate as much as parents to show their preference.
It is ultimately more for the intermediate generation, that of the parents, that this preference can be difficult to live with . Indeed, this can exacerbate complexes, with origins sometimes founded, sometimes not, like this syndrome of the intermediate child who, less "special" than the eldest or the youngest, sometimes feels wronged. by his parents and comes to develop a feeling of persecution - whether this is legitimate or not, that is not so much the question. However, it is difficult to explain to one's own child why grandpa and/or grandma have a preference, when it brings us back to our own family history and reopens wounds that have never really healed.
For the generation of grandchildren, it will depend a little more on the legitimacy of this preference:there are not so many reasons for the other cousins to be jealous the privileged relationship that one of them has with his ancestors if he lives nearby and spends a large part of his time in their company, for example. Or again, that the grandparents nurture a little more one of their grandchildren perceived as suffering from a less obvious family situation, whether it is because his parents have divorced or because his environment is a little more precarious than that of his cousins.
On the other hand, if the preference for a little darling is too obvious (this is of course the case, for example, when comparing gifts under the tree!), or if this is purely arbitrary (when some thinly veiled misogyny makes the first boy the darling of the grandparents, who swoon over him while constantly belittling the successes of their granddaughters, as is the case in some families), then she can actually generate some form of frustration or resentment among the other grandchildren . This is all the more the case when the preference is accompanied in parallel by a rejection of the latter. This can, for example, manifest itself with regard to grandchildren from a first marriage, who in certain cases find themselves completely ignored in favor of the generation of grandchildren descending from the current union of the grandparent. concerned.
First of all, there are not so many reasons to take offense at a preference or to try to thwart it, as long as it does not appear to be frankly unfair or cruel towards the other grandchildren. . After all, how can you blame grandparents for having more affinity with one or another of their descendants? Some people are simply naturally more attracted to each other, and the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren has a more "friendly" dimension than that of parent-child. It would be absurd to hold it against them or to ask them to repress this momentum, in the name of a supposed impartiality with regard to all of their grandchildren.
If, on the other hand, preference proves to be problematic - and this may be the case for cousins, for the generation of parents, and even sometimes for the darling himself, who feels embarrassed with regard to others, or who may even come to suffer their jealousy and rejection — grandparents should be reminded that they may have a preference, but that preference should not come at the expense of their relationships with their other grandparents. children. Of course, easier said than done, especially when you know the propensity of some grandparents not to see the harm that their hardly concealed preference can generate - when they are not the only dupes themselves, persuaded treat all their grandchildren the same!
As for how we can understand this preference with the grandchildren who would experience it badly and feel excluded? First of all, we must remind them that their grandparents are not perfect people but many human beings with their wrongs and failings (something that they will also end up discovering — and sometimes in suffering — with regard to you, beware!), and therefore capable of being unjust:one could almost speak of "killing the grandfather" to use this concept dear to psychology. And therefore by extension that the grandchildren themselves are in no way responsible for this preference, whether it was rational or not. The last thing that less "loved" grandchildren (or towards whom that love is in any case not so visibly manifested) need, in this situation, would be to feel guilt about the emergence of a preference, and whether this manifests itself in their favor or against them. And if the children were to develop resentment towards their grandparents, it is still important to try to prevent them from cutting ties with them, which would only make the situation worse anyway. unfair.
On the other hand, to be able as a parent to explain this to his children, you still have to have exorcised all your demons yourself. Many parents will indeed feel a certain resentment at the idea of their own child being rejected if they themselves are convinced that they have always been the least appreciated child. It is sometimes only by watching history repeat itself that parents begin life-saving therapy.
