While all children are partly "raised" by their grandparents, for some of them they represent the main adult attachment figure. For a myriad of reasons, ranging from parents being abusive or unable to provide proper conditions for the growth and development of their children, to the even more tragic case of orphaned children, some grandparents find themselves in indeed forced by the vagaries of life to put the cover back by assuming the care and education of their grandchildren.
However, this is obviously not the easiest situation. We no longer live in traditional societies where the whole family was reunited under the same roof and shared the educational burden. Nowadays, it goes against our habits and customs to see grandparents take on the role of parents, and their usual role is usually very different from that of the latter.
There are several reasons that can lead to the placement of children with grandparents, all of which can be quite traumatic for children:
Obviously, this is an additional challenge for grandparents who find themselves faced with such a situation, since in addition to the additional burden of one or more children at an age where we find ourselves Usually lightened, the special status of these children is likely to make cohabitation even more turbulent. It may also simply be due to too great a burden for a parent in a single-parent family, who would not be able to reconcile family and professional life, in which case the grandparents may offer to take care of their grandchildren, the parent continuing to spend time with his family on weekends, for example.
In short, there are many different modalities, which naturally involve different challenges for these families apart. It should be kept in mind, however, that this is a rather rare scenario :in fact, contrary to other countries where it is a modality preferred by the child protection systems, in France it is a question of placement in an establishment and in a foster home which is the most regularly acclaimed. Placement with a "trustworthy third party" (a category which therefore includes grandparents but not exclusively) only concerned 6.8% of the 150,000 and some children who were placed in 2013. It is therefore not a very common model, despite the certain advantage of placement with a third party who is already known and with whom there is a prior emotional bond. However, these are only the official figures concerning placements, and in fact it seems that informally these cases are more widespread than has been noted, particularly in situations which do not fall under a conflict, as in the above example where a single parent finds himself overwhelmed by his responsibilities, or when he has a disability.
No matter why grandparents take on this responsibility, one thing remains certain:they are still grandparents. A "+" version no doubt, but grandparents all the same. A bit like how a child who grows up alongside his stepfather or his stepmother in the absence of one of his biological parents will sometimes have a special and privileged relationship with him, but will not see him. not like its "real" parent. It is important that there is no confusion about the status of his grandparents in the head of the child , especially in cases where they take on this responsibility because their own child has had very young children, and where the generational gap is therefore not obvious.
It is nevertheless certain that they must still adopt certain parental functions. Where the relationship between grandchildren and their ancestors is usually marked by a certain lightness, which can allow them to develop a complicity excluded from the parent-child relationship, these grandparents apart must also show authority and take on educational responsibilities . This is also the key to success according to child psychologists:never forget their role as educators with these children. In other words, as tempting as it may be, you have to put your role of grandparent complicit in the holidays in the background, by establishing the same rules and limits as "normal" parents would, and by trying not to be too lax. If misunderstanding reigns between you, nevertheless remember that there is a two-generation gap and be patient in this regard. It can also be useful to connect with the parents of their classmates to better understand how young people are "nowadays".
It is therefore a balancing act that is neither obvious nor instinctive. And since it is also sometimes troubled children who find themselves in this situation, it is quite normal to sometimes admit to being helpless , and to seek the help of specialists. This may be the case if the child asks questions deemed to be disturbing, for example, to which we do not know how to answer, or when he plays on the relatively vague status of grandparents and tries to take advantage of it to push the limits. . You should also not feel guilty if this burden turns out to be too heavy one day, especially because you have aged yourself, for example! After all, it is not the usual role of grandparents to replace parents, and all the goodwill in the world is not always enough.
Grandparents in this situation are not the only ones to be tested by this exceptional situation. The children themselves are naturally the first to be able to suffer from it, especially with their comrades. As we know, children are often very prescriptive . They are therefore particularly likely to raise their eyebrows when they see a classmate picked up from school by their grandma, and to ask indiscreet questions to this one, when they are not outright laughing. However, the best way for the child in this situation to cope with these remarks is still for him to be in the best position to respond to them with calm and clear explanations - and for that, you still have to he himself understood the reasons for his particular situation. Even if it can be inconvenient as often with children's questions, it is therefore necessary to be particularly attentive to them and open to dialogue when they themselves ask why they do not grow up with their real parents "like everyone else".
Nevertheless, it is not necessary to see only the negative aspects of this solution. For children who grow up in adverse situations and therefore find themselves in the need of a placement, it is often beneficial that it is the grandparents - that is to say figures they know and with whom they have a sentimental relationship already established — who assume this role. If the love between grandparents and grandchildren is different from that which unites parents to their children, it is still without doubt the form that comes closest to this unconditional love (of course, this depends on the cases, and there are situations of abusive grandparents who resent the situation or carry forward the bitterness they feel towards their own children, especially when the children are in prison, towards their grandchildren -children). Thus, if all the grandparents are not able to accept this responsibility, it often proves to be excellent for the children when this is the case, and much more beneficial than a placement in another reception structure. like a home. This is a situation that is often appreciated by the children themselves , especially compared to alternatives in placement situations, and it even sometimes happens that children's judges find themselves faced with the pure and simple refusal of the child when they order his return to his parents.
In addition, grandparents are usually retired and, in some cases, better off financially than their own children. This means they have plenty of free time to devote to their new responsibilities. For some, it can even give them a new purpose, in a way. Besides, this is not their first educational experience! So, maybe mores have evolved since the days when they were simple parents, but they are nevertheless not at their first attempt and will know how to remember what they "succeeded" or on the contrary. can learn from their mistakes vis-à-vis their own children.
