In France, about one in four children lives with only one of their biological parents , for various and varied reasons:if the separation or the divorce of the parents is the most common, let us not forget that some find themselves widowed prematurely, while others cut the bridges with their family and their children at the same time … When the parent in question has not refounded a family with a new spouse and his possible attachments, we speak of a single-parent family, distinct from the classic nuclear family and from the more and more frequent blended family. And in the majority of cases, it is the mother who assumes this role, either because the father has left, or because they ask more frequently, and obtain, the attribution of custody of the children. children following a divorce. This can also be a difficult situation for paternal grandparents to live with, because when communication between grandchildren and grandparents is cut off, it is more often this line that suffers...
If this is not a defect, far from it — it even has many advantages, starting with that of growing up in a more peaceful environment when the relationship between the spouses was conflictual — the fact of developing with only one of his two parents on a daily basis brings its share of challenges, for the child, the parent, and… the grandparents, who generally find themselves more in demand. So, what difference does it make to be the grandparent of a child growing up in a single-parent family?
It is obvious that raising one or more children alone requires a mental load much more important than when you can rely on the help of your spouse, whether the latter is the biological parent or a step-parent. For a single parent, you have to juggle each other's schedules, working to support the household, shopping for food, raising the children, cooking and household chores, and so on. In short, it is a full-time occupation which leaves little time for respite. If the children can get their hands dirty — the older ones taking care of the younger ones when there are several of them, or helping in the kitchen and with the daily chores — that at least has the advantage of making them more resourceful, it is not surprising that it is sometimes easier to plant them in front of a screen (even non-single-parent families often know this feeling) or to call on babysitters who, when one does not have can't really afford, are often volunteers, like… grandparents!
Moreover, it is not necessarily only the grandparents who are solicited, but the entourage of the single-parent family as a whole:uncles and aunts therefore, or family friends, or even neighbours. This is particularly the case for parents of young children, since a method of welcoming them is essential in order to reconcile family life and professional life, and in this respect it is rather the modes of group childcare facilities or relatives who are popular with single parents. Because whoever says single-parent family necessarily says diminished resources . To come back to the case that interests us then, overwhelmed parents often tend to call on their own parents when their geographical situation allows it and when they are voluntary — which is of course not always the case, because having reached retirement, some would like to finally enjoy a calmer life, and therefore their grandchildren when and only when they themselves feel like it.
Nevertheless, this dependence on grandparents should not be exaggerated, because while it is indeed increased in the case of single-parent families, it is ultimately only a few extra hours per week when reported. to the national average. It is however certain that a form of dependence exists, since a 2013 study by DREES for example underlined that 52% of single mothers lived less than thirty minutes from the grandparents' home, while this did not concern than 43% of other families. And in fact, 36% of the children of single, working mothers were welcomed at least once a week by their grandparents , compared to 29% of children whose two parents were active. It is also logically at these times during which the school does not take care of the children - after lessons, on Wednesdays, or even when the child has fallen ill and cannot go to school. — that grandparents most often intervene to save the day for parents.
If informal solidarity between generations exists within all types of families, they are therefore expressed in a much more urgent way in the case of these single-parent families, on average more deprived than the others. This is just as true of financial support, which of course varies according to the needs of the families and the resources of the grandparents themselves, but is more generous with regard to a child who has to look after alone from his family:a 2021 survey by the Charente-Maritime UDAF thus reveals that single-parent families are much more the subject of gifts than loans from grandparents compared to other types of families.
But conversely, it is sometimes the grandparents themselves who, of course wanting to do well, sometimes turn out to be a bit intrusive. As we know, hell is paved with good intentions:it is therefore a question of not proving to be an additional burden when you simply want to lighten the load of your child, who may have a myriad of reasons to be irritated. by this unwelcome help:because it is not necessary, because it is experienced as humiliating, because it encroaches on one's own parental authority or because it is quite simply too intrusive... discuss with the single parent the limits to be established, so as not to play the role of surrogate parent against his will.
Because of this often increased closeness, grandparents become parents again in a way – which is quite normal, since it is a question of filling the void left by the absent parent. A grandfather hitherto grumpy, or absent from the education of his own children can, by skipping a generation and finding himself more regularly in contact with his grandchildren living in a single-parent family, discover unsuspected paternal qualities.
These grandparents therefore still benefit from the privileged bond with the child which distinguishes them from real parents — with a form of complicity and a different relationship to authority and education — but are nevertheless much more involved in the daily life of the child, whether it is vis-à-vis his schedule, school performance, extracurricular activities, and so on... In some cases, this special bond between grandparents and their grandchildren from a single-parent family leads them to give the latter a darling status, which is of course understandable, as long as it does not harm the relationship of the grandparents with the rest of their offspring, who will not benefit from this same bond with regard to of their grandparents. However, we should not take offense at the formation of such a bond with the grandchildren that we frequent most often, and it is not because we welcome them more often or that we sometimes take them on vacation, that one loves his other grandchildren less! Especially since because of the different bond that unites children to their parents on the one hand and to their grandparents on the other, it is less taboo for the latter to admit a certain preference.
Of course, however well-meaning one may be, looking after grandchildren must not end up representing the same burden for grandparents that they have made it their mission to lighten. with regard to their child:we must not come to prevent ourselves from living . While it is of course rewarding to help your children cope, and it also reinforces your own symbolic identity as a grandparent, it is important to keep your own well-being in mind. Otherwise, the relationship with the single parent, but also with the grandchildren themselves, could well come to suffer by becoming a source of resentment and frustration. If single parents must therefore be able to set limits in the face of overly intrusive grandparents, the latter must also be able to do the same when they find themselves overloaded with these responsibilities. Because as pleasant as a one-time return to parenthood may be for grandparents, this is not their role!
