The family is sacred . For some, blood ties are stronger than anything…but others live by the saying that family, unlike friends, is not chosen. For reasons of intolerance (homophobia, in particular) or for disputes often linked to money, or even following a divorce (this is one of the most common scenarios, when children "take party" for example), it therefore happens that within certain families, the bridges are completely cut between parents and children. This is also a great source of anxiety, since an Ifop survey revealed in 2008 that 36% of parents were afraid of getting into conflict with their children . And if there is no study in France having quantified this silent epidemic, it would seem that this scenario affects one in five parents in our Dutch neighbors! A figure that is indeed enough to generate anxiety at the possibility of finding oneself in such a situation... Especially since there is unfortunately no real guide for the perfect parent to avoid getting there:some are judged a posteriori as having been too authoritarian, where others would have been too permissive... The most cynical could come to think that raising your child in the best way is still simply trying to traumatize him the least possible!
And in a society where success is linked to being a good parent — aren't we proud to show the exploits of our children to those around us as if they were our own, and do we not live not a little by proxy towards them? — such a breakup is seen as a failure, which makes the subject taboo and pushes some to wall themselves in shameful silence rather than try to grab the bull by the horns and calm the situation. There is indeed reason to wonder where we failed. When one has a child — the "flesh of his flesh" as they say, a person who was carried and brought into the world for mothers — it is rarely with the aim of being treated with indifference or even contempt by the -ci.
While it is certain that some parents do not deserve or no longer deserve the love of their children, others can also cut ties in a seemingly unjustified way. Parents can be toxic, just like children. And this can happen at any age, going back to old frustrations or traumas buried too long, different values between each other ending up confirming the breakup. However, if some parents have caused terrible harm to their children - and this break is therefore "deserved" - in many cases, it is rather the result of mistakes made by well-meaning parents. So what to do when this happens, when communication is truly cut off with his children as a result of a conflict? Can we come back and reconcile?
It is important not to lock yourself into the role of victim, even if that is how this rupture is experienced. Remember that your child should feel as justified in his feelings as you are. So do some introspection, asking yourself where things went wrong, accepting your share of responsibility as well, and questioning yourself. To hope for reconciliation, you must first identify the cause of the breakup — either by asking the question directly to your child, or by trying to find out from a mutual friend.
You also have to accept that you may not be able to find the answer. Is this separation due to resentment towards the parents? A violent dispute between the two parties? Psychological problems or an addiction? To the spouse of his child? In the case of siblings, does this concern only one of the children or each of them? And conversely, does the estrangement concern only one or both parents? There are as many stories as there are families , and therefore each rupture is not as violent, deep or final depending on the personal context. And in some situations, the separation between the child and his parents can even be beneficial for one or both parties.
If the break comes from the child, it is unfortunately wiser to be patient . If your child has chosen to take some distance, it's probably because he needed it. As in a breakup, the most courteous thing to do — and therefore the best way to show love — is to respect the other person's decision. Don't we say, "if you love someone, let them go"? Insisting, by repeatedly writing letters or text messages, often risks making the situation worse, stirring up anger and resentment, and intensifying the frustration of rejected parents in the face of these stabs in the water. . It's up to you to accept the limits that have been set by your child, without making him feel guilty at the risk of turning him on even more than he already is.
This is of course all the more difficult to accept when you know that your child is under the influence of another person — his spouse in some cases, his other parent following a badly digested divorce — who manipulates him. and maintains this rejection, making any reconciliation almost impossible. But in many cases, the person who broke the bridges will one day seek to reestablish contact, although again, each story is unique and everything depends on the pre-existing relationship between the two and the context of the dispute. You also need to arm yourself with empathy , in order to be ready to listen and understand the day when the child will be ready to re-establish communication - if ever this one arises, of course. In other words, keep the door open without harboring blind hope that will only add to your sadness.
However, you can call on a mediator — some associations are dedicated to it — to try to re-establish contact, whether it is a professional or a family member or another close friend. The latter will seek to contact the child in order to offer him a separate interview, without the rejected parent, which will eventually lead to a meeting of the two parties in the presence of the mediator. Everyone will then be able to explain themselves, clarify misunderstandings, listen, give or receive apologies:the role of the mediator is to remind both sides that very often, everyone is right from their point of view, and to encourage them to the place of the other and to show understanding.
If this rupture is badly experienced because judged to be one-sided, it is also important not to wallow in your misfortune by letting yourself waste away. You can really die of grief! Even if this rejection is felt, rightly or wrongly, as an injustice, it is therefore essential to continue to move forward, to continue to live your own life , and to agree to let his children go – perhaps definitively. Life is often unfair and cruel, but that's not a reason to give it up. Easier said than done, you might say. For this, the support of those around him, but also psychological help, are essential. You have to work on yourself and accept that you can't always win, even when it's deeply unfair.
If, on the contrary, the separation comes from you or is mutual, it is likely that you do not want to reestablish contact. If this were the case, the best thing to do is to communicate:explain what generated this resentment, and call on professionals to help you work through these problems and perhaps reunite your family. Remember that there is not always a "culprit" - or at least not only one - and that if reconciliation is important to you, it is a question of being the wisest. Rather agree to reach out your hand without waiting for the other to take the first step, instead of immuring yourself in an alleged indifference that is ultimately badly experienced.
To try to end on a slightly positive note, we must remember that it is also the separation of the parents that indicates the success of the structuring of a child into a full-fledged individual. This is why many go through an adolescent crisis:it is necessary to reject one's parents in order to build oneself, to "kill the father" as they say. In The Picture of Dorian Gray , Oscar Wilde wrote quite rightly:"Children begin by loving their parents; when they grow up they judge them; sometimes they forgive them." Even if it still and always depends on the origin and the violence of the argument, any separation is therefore certainly not final.
