I could tell by his voice that something was wrong. “Do you have a new girlfriend?” I asked curiously. He confirmed. It was serious and he actually wanted to introduce our daughter to her soon, but wasn't sure how. We solved it together. I would probably prepare her and then he would have the conversation with her again personally. But it still felt crazy. Soon someone else would take care of her on the days she was with her father. What if she liked her stepmother more than me? Or maybe that new girlfriend would hate me and that would cause friction?
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I was pretty upset with that new stepmom. In addition, it made me insecure about my position within the large family we had created over time; I still regularly visited his parents for fun and called his mother every week. Who knows, I might have lost all that. It made sense if they gave priority to my daughter's new girlfriend - stepmother, but that didn't suddenly make it fun.
In the end, the situation turned out to be a good learning curve; I had never been in this field before, but two years and a lot of emotions later I learned quite a lot from it. Being a stepmother is also exciting. The tips below to get through a door together with the new stepmother have helped me a lot.
Also read the stories of other stepmothers to support the tips below.
Hint: this book can undoubtedly also help you on your way !
Ultimately, this new partner will have to get a place in the family and that simply won't work if you are prominently present everywhere. She will undoubtedly also have her insecurities and not just as a stepmother. It's nice when she gets the chance to see how everything works within her new in-laws, without the constant watchful eye of the biological mother. Remember that you are 4-0 ahead and that can be very intimidating.
First, meet without the children. Get to know this new girlfriend. Maybe it's good to make it clear that you broke the relationship for a reason. This can be especially important if you are still single. You really don't have to walk through the door together, as long as you can at least get through that door together. It's really nice if you can eventually catch up with your child's stepmother directly about the care of the children, how things are going at school and about possible sports competitions.
Also, take the time to let your own feelings “be”. Are you afraid, angry, sad, do you feel jealousy? That makes sense. You're only human too! You may find it unfair that he already has someone while you are still alone. Or are you sad because you feel like you are losing family. Talk about it with someone close to you who you trust. Try to be strong towards the children, cry or vomit about your ex-partner or stepmother rather when you are alone (however difficult).
If in the worst case you can't air or see each other, it is important that you as biological parents look for a solution that everyone can agree with. It's no different as a part-time parent. Try to make it clear to the new partner and stepmother that you are doing this for your child and not for yourself, hopefully she will come around.
Aim for a situation where you can all be present at birthdays. You, your ex-partner and his girlfriend, your child's stepmother. I think the most important thing is that your children never feel they have to make a choice between their mother and father. They did not ask to become the child of divorced parents. By putting yourself over your own feelings, you set a good example. And if the new woman can't do that, she will stay away herself.
Give her (if it turns out to be really serious) space to also tell her what she thinks about certain educational issues. It is true that the ultimate decision rests with the biological parents, but who knows, she may offer you a whole new insight. In any case, be open to it!
It may sound a bit complicated, but if you can bring the above, it will bring peace and space for everyone. And that benefits everything!
