Being married to someone who has a narcissistic personality. What does that do to you? How can you deal with that and how do you maintain the relationship? The story below about living with a narcissist is shared anonymously. Anonymous because otherwise it puts all relationships under tension, which is of course not the intention.
A narcissist, I had heard the term before, but I really had no idea what that was. Now that I am so many years later it is more than clear to me what a narcissistic personality is. I married a man with a narcissistic personality disorder.
First of all, I'll give you some more information about narcissism. What it is and how a person with narcissism thinks and acts.
Table of Contents
People with narcissism consider themselves better than others, often have a hard time with criticism and setbacks and will mainly express this in anger. They lack empathy, empathizing with someone else is difficult and/or not very interesting. Being in a relationship with a person who has a narcissistic personality disorder is often difficult, both privately and professionally.
Narcissists themselves do not realize that they exhibit this behaviour, it is the most normal thing in the world for them. They often try to manipulate people with their behavior and in this way they ensure that they get their way because they know how to bend people to their will. They hardly hit or kick, but there is unrest, struggle and uncertainty in their immediate environment. They can react very angry or extremely, say something bad with a smile that makes you as a neighbor start to doubt yourself.
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Initially, a narcissist is very charming, but a longer relationship is often impossible. They quickly lose interest in the other person and their environment and therefore appear arrogant or uninterested. Other people's feelings don't affect them much. A relationship with a narcissist is often only possible if you continuously admire and compliment them.
Making a diagnosis is often difficult and for narcissists themselves it is a huge barrier to seek help, they see this as hurting their image. That is why they usually only look for help when the umpteenth relationship has ended or the family has come to an end.
We got to know each other on vacation about 10 years ago, not love at first sight but we got along really well. Once back in the Netherlands we kept in touch and something beautiful blossomed. He was sweet, caring, carried me on his muscular arms and said the right things. I imagined myself in seventh heaven.
After three years of dating, we decided to move in together and two more years later we had children. Our relationship was not without a struggle, we were both fierce and stubborn, but we got over that. I struggled with the way my husband handled our fights. He often went away, sometimes for a few days because he couldn't speak. When he came back it was exciting, or the fight was over in one fell swoop, or we didn't talk about it anymore, the tension or anger was in the air, but that also cleared up after a few days of ignoring.
I often tried to bring it up. After all, it's not like me not to talk and just let it run its course. But he pushed me away and told me to shut up or he would leave again.
It sounds very strange, but even though this went against my nature, I went with it. Otherwise the quarrels only got bigger, went through my marrow and then I would cry for days again and it was anything but pleasant. Now that we are a few years later, I have become accustomed to not speaking out about conflicts. Just to let them go, walk past each other and meet again somewhere.
In the meantime there were difficult periods in other areas, so I decided to go to therapy. Just freshen up, talk about what I was so difficult to get rid of at home. That was a relief, I also discussed my home situation and what I encountered with my therapist. She then told me that it seems that my partner has a narcissistic personality and gave me more information about this.
I was in shock about that, I had to cry, but I also didn't understand why? I recognized everything. I recognized myself as the victim and I recognized my husband as the narcissist. The one I loved so much, with whom I had children and shared joys and sorrows (or actually didn't share, because he wasn't open to that). I had gotten used to this situation, for me it became more normal and I actually closed my eyes in the period when I should have kept them open.
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More often than not I had the idea that something was not right, but I couldn't put my finger on it. His words always sounded good and he argued everything that made it seem okay to me.
For example, it regularly happened that he said something hurtful or something that was really just not acceptable. I was shocked and then told him that I really did not think this was possible and did not want to hear or I would become sad. He couldn't handle this in turn. He looked upset and hurt that I was going on like this… but huh? Did he say something ugly? However? But when I saw him so sad… the roles were reversed. I suddenly didn't take him into account anymore, according to his words. I got confused.
The way he acted made me doubt myself. And if you go through this for years on end, you no longer see what is happening, it becomes normal.
Now a few years later, I have often indicated to my husband where I thought the problem was, without using the word narcissism. In addition, I also asked if we could work on this together with the help of an expert. He did not trust that, according to him there is nothing wrong. Every relationship has these kinds of things, we could do this ourselves.
After more than a year of pulling, during which I continuously had the feeling that I was alone, I stepped up with lead in my shoes. With lead because I didn't want to. Leaded because I see what we could have been, but I couldn't get my ideas through. Even if it could save our relationship, he wouldn't go to a therapist.
Because of the distance now I can see all the signals clearly. I doubted everything. About what he said; did I hear that correctly? He probably didn't mean it like that, or I had taken it wrong. Self-doubt is what a narcissistic personality of your partner does to you. Excusing myself for everything because I've come to think that I myself am the cause of these problems.
And withholding information about my relationship with a narcissist from others, because you somehow feel that it is not right. Still, you don't want others to think that way about your relationship or tell you how it should be. Deep down you know how it is, but you can't put your finger on the sore spot.
What I still struggle with after such a long time is that I still love him. I also see that he doesn't quite understand what is going on. I'd love to help him, but I've been reaching out to him for so long. He does nothing with it.
Because of the children we still have fairly good contact and I still see him often turning the tables, pointing at me. Never goes along with what I want, but keeps pulling its own plan. What he says is correct, my words never. It is always about him, about me or about the children is rarely asked. Because I now have an overview for myself (with the help of a therapist), I can deal with it better. But I still sometimes doubt myself, could I have done more? Unfortunately I can do nothing but accept this. Apparently you can't help someone with a narcissistic personality if they don't want to be helped.
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