I always shouted very loud and tough 'I'm not afraid to die'. And I honestly meant that at the time. I am now a few years older (40+) and my thoughts about dying and saying goodbye have clearly changed. In fact… I think differently about it and I think about it regularly. I'll explain why.
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The fact that I think about it more often these days has to do with a number of things. My age, the fact that I am of a generation where parents die and my children. And it actually started with the latter, I now know.
If I go back in time, I can also remember exactly the moment when this change occurred. The change in my awareness about death in general, about dying myself and saying goodbye to loved ones started when I had children. Do you recognize that? That your whole outlook on life actually changes when you have children?
I come from a religious family. My parents are Protestant and I myself was baptized Protestant. I am not otherwise a practicing faith, but I do believe. And that makes me think that I -in the past- was not afraid of death. The feeling that there is more just made that I couldn't be afraid of it. But that feeling ended 13 years ago. About the same time as Luc, my oldest, was born. A little later, actually, because the first few days I was quite 'dismayed' by his premature birth. And the concerns centered mainly on his recovery and progress.
Only when his condition was stable and we started to get used to the mom and dad did all other worries start. The awkwardness and 'normal' worries that every young parent knows. And from that moment on I realize very strongly that I cannot die yet. I have two children who need me.
Of course you have no say in this, but it does make me think differently about death and about saying goodbye. Because imagine if something happens. With me, with Frank or at worst with both of us. You shouldn't think about it, but you should still think about it. It's that simple.
And so I think about it regularly. And we talk about it regularly. It's nice when everything is well organized. That it is good to prepare yourself. Whether you have funeral insurance or not. But that you at least know what you want from each other. Do you want to be buried or cremated? What kind of music would you most like to hear?
You actually come up with the best conversations with this topic, did you know that? And it doesn't have to be loaded at all if you talk about this openly with each other. Especially not if nothing is actually going on yet. If no one is sick. Because talking to each other about death and about saying goodbye makes you come closer to each other. You're actually talking about the essence of life when I think about it.
You're talking about what really matters. What you really think is important to have arranged. Or what you don't think is important of course. And that is different for everyone.
What feels important to me is the mutual contact. The openness. Being open to each other and sharing with each other. When my mother died, we arranged everything with the family (dad and his 4 children). In a week's time, so much was coming at us. And there was so little left. We didn't know how Mama wanted it to be arranged. Actually quite difficult if you want to arrange a nice goodbye for a loved one, but you don't know the wishes well enough. All she'd ever really said was that she wanted to be buried. No further.
Of course you come a long way by feeling. She loved white. So white flowers. She loved Susan Boyle. So music by Susan Boyle. She didn't like fuss, so neat but not too much. But she never said it.
Especially if your children are still young, it is nice to know that everything is well arranged. Funeral insurance or not, you can always record things or make them known! If necessary, write a notepad full of what you do and don't want. In this way you also make preparing your own farewell a little easier for your next of kin.
I'm a bit like my mother I guess. Except in terms of music choice 😉 . But my goodbye is allowed without fuss. With a smile and a tear. There has to be room for sadness, but please let there be room for that wink too. That good memory and, if necessary, a burst of laughter! I also like white flowers, so yes. Please. White.
And in terms of music I go for Within Tempation. My all time favorite, Mother Earth. Now I like all their music, but this song takes the cake. Shot on my wedding day and preferably also at my funeral. Or cremation. Because the question of burial or cremation, I'm not quite sure yet.
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