There I am, cycling through the center with two screaming children. Right now I feel like a great mother. The youngest sits in front, floundering with his legs, his arms swinging wildly back and forth. Angry that he is. I believe tiredness has got to him. At the back is mister number two angry, he hits my back and screams because he….yes…why? Ready for school maybe?
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Being a mother is not always easy for me, several mothers will agree with me. But since I'm on my own, I often have moments when I would like to gently and gently stick them behind the wallpaper. And yes, I am quite ashamed of that. I love my two men, they are the greatest loves in my life and I will walk through fire for them.
But unlike other mothers, I can sometimes imagine a life without them right now. Not that I would want to, I'm too crazy about this busy life for that. However, there are now days in a row that they are not with me but with their father. I know that they have a great time there and that gives me the necessary peace of mind.
For the first few months I cried tears, sitting alone between the high towers of Duplo and garages full of cars. It is then so quiet in the house. In the evening I sometimes think that I hear them crying, until I realize that they are not with me at all.
Now that we are a few months further on, I notice that I am also starting to find my way in being alone. I don't need a man (although he will probably be welcome again in due course) I can do this myself. Suddenly I have time for myself there in those days. Sleeping in is an option, but my biological clock doesn't understand that yet, so I just keep turning and lying down until I feel like getting out. A little breakfast, a little me-time, messing around, napping, an errand, a shop, a glass of wine, a festival and all lovely people.
Of course I miss my children and I think about them regularly, but I also really enjoy being alone. Does that make me a bad mother? The guilt bubbles up.
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Noud and Mees reinforce each other. Without each other they have a great time, play nice, no hassle. The oldest is almost four and I think he is ready for new challenges. There are days when he doesn't want anything and doesn't like anything, next week he can get used to primary school for a morning and I hope that a lot of energy and a lot of new positive things can be gained for him.
The men can play nice together, they are crazy about each other. Read:where Noud runs, Mees pushes behind like a monkey. Where Noud screams, Mees screams. And where Mees cries, Noud comforts.
However, after fifteen minutes they are in each other's 'zone'. Noud finds it hard to leave Mees alone, interferes with everything, I'm sure he meant sweet, but Mees goes crazy and starts to growl a bit.
No matter how many times I tell him to leave his little brother alone, it's still too difficult. Eventually Mees gets angry, Mama gets angry, and Noud gets angry. He stamps his foot and screams. I stamp my foot but am otherwise silent. Mees doesn't like the situation and starts to cry.
Great then, when we've said it, I decide that we're going to throw the energy outside for a while. Noud on his bike, Titmouse in the buggy. We are halfway through our round when Noud decides not to cycle anymore. Yes dear, I say, keep pushing, we'll be home in a minute. Mom has to push the buggy.
He agrees, grumbling and squeaking. Until his pedal falls off, he gets off angrily, loses his balance and ends up in the nettles. Small bumps appear from head to toe. He screams, yells and beeps out. I comfort but it doesn't work. Come on, man, I say, let's walk home quickly, Mama has some ointment. Not good of course, he wants me to pick him up. But it's too heavy for me so that doesn't work, I also have a buggy to push and we still have that bike. Noud decides to lie on the floor. Mees gets impatient and starts to grumble.
After several unsuccessful attempts to calm Noud, I decide to just keep walking, he will come after me on his own, won't he? Nothing could be further from the truth.
With one hand I push the buggy, the other lifts a children's bicycle. Mees lowers himself and throws his rabbit out of the buggy non-stop, when he doesn't get it back he gets even angrier. Noud continues to scream but then comes after me at a snail's pace.
All's well that ends well, but in the evening we also have a coupon. Something about brushing your teeth, eating scabs, throwing things, hitting your brother, screaming, washing hair and staying in your bed, the word mama comes out of my nose at the end of such a day.
Noud is ready for school and mom too.
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