They are sometimes like cats and dogs, like best friends in the world, or even both at the same time. Life among siblings is never a long calm river. Depending on the ages and personalities of the children, it can be peppered with bickering and reconciliation.
Sometimes harmonious, sometimes conflictual, fraternal relationships are like a roller coaster. They are the salt of family life and allow us to build ourselves. But when the arguments are too frequent, it can become problematic. "It is often quite close fraternal relationships that generate conflicts and rivalries , notes Sabine Achard, child and adolescent psychologist in Manduel, in the Gard. But most of the time, brothers and sisters adore each other. What they don't like is sharing their parents. » Because jealousy, in other words the desire to possess a person for oneself and the fear of losing it to the benefit of a rival, is never far away. What could be more difficult, indeed, than having to share the love of your parents?
When Gabrielle* was born, four-year-old Emma seemed delighted, but her demeanor changed. She no longer wanted to eat alone or sleep in her bed. While she had been clean for over a year, she also started peeing again at night. "The arrival of a second child is perceived by the first as an attack on his territory, yet he would like to retain all the attention of the parents , explains the psychologist. Even if he is still very young and does not perceive it intellectually, he feels it and has to adapt. This is the reason why it sometimes happens that we see a slight regression in the eldest, in terms of cleanliness or taking meals, for example, especially when there are only two or three years apart. »
Children need to be reassured that they are loved, but the feeling of insecurity varies according to personalities. "Some are more in demand because they always feel like the parents prefer their brother or sister" , confirms Sabine Achard, who continues:“The difference, too, is that the eldest had, until the arrival of the second, no one in front of him. He therefore evolved at his own pace and acted without too much analysis. While the youngest, he observes more the functioning of the parents, which sometimes leads to a slight lag. Although the latter raise the two children strictly in the same way, they will react differently, because the personalities and places in the family are never identical. »
Even if tightness is more frequent when the births are close together, it can also occur when there is a greater age gap. "From 7 years of difference, we speak of an only child, says the specialist. At this age, the parents have met all of his expectations, and as a result, you notice that there is less conflict. But everything depends on the education, the place that is given to each. » It is important, in particular, to put boys and girls on an equal footing, not to play on gender rivalry.
In a sibling, however, the eldest enjoys a certain aura. "He is often seen as a superhero in the eyes of the youngest “, says Sabine Achard, who adds:“I tell him then:your little brother (or your little sister) wants to do everything you do, he wants to have everything you have. When he came to your family, there was a superhero, so he wants to be like you. And then he looks at me and he goes, "pff!" » »
If the parents feel that an argument is going too far, they can intervene and give the children a few moments on their own. Most of the time, this is enough to resolve the conflict. "The mistake to avoid is to punish one rather than another" , insists the psychologist, who also advises to reserve, as far as possible, "little moments for each child, so that parents can see them in their singularity". “For a long time, siblings were considered one entity. We now know that it is made up of individuals,” she adds. As for blended families, the same rules must apply to everyone. "We can differentiate according to age, but one should not be allowed to eat what he wants and the other not. This generates conflicts between the children but also in the couple", warns the psychologist.
Arguments and petty jealousies, commonplace between brothers and sisters, contribute to the consolidation of family ties, because love is built little by little. However, there are exaggerated behaviors. Isabelle, one of five children, remembers for example that her mother had to measure precisely the doses of syrup she poured out to each of them so that none of them felt aggrieved. "It can happen, admits Sabine Achard, but it is often one child in particular who induces this attitude, and the others follow. »
Whether it's collective tasks or games, sharing things together is what makes you feel like brothers. But should parents strive to be fair at all costs? “Not at all, replies Sabine Achard. If parents buy a pair of shoes for a child because it is necessary, they should absolutely not feel obligated to buy them for everyone. You just have to explain that the needs are not identical at the same time. »
It will be understood, a child is like no other. The same goes for school results. "In the same family, you can very well have two children who, at ten years old, do not have the same level at all, notes Sabine Achard. One can be an excellent student when the other is struggling. But that can change later. » The psychologist therefore recommends to "always consider the person, to avoid hurtful remarks such as:"At the same age, your brother was better than you" or "You should do like your brother or your sister" It is also important that everyone can have their own hobbies or activities.
Adults:when jealousies persist
The successes of some and the failures of others rekindle old wounds, the injustices that we may have suffered. “Because of some jealousies, I have known adults who only wanted to have one child to prevent this situation from happening again” , reveals Sabine Achard, child and adolescent psychologist in the Occitanie region. When there have been major family dysfunctions, when the parents have really made differences, then there can be breaks in the family relationship, that is to say, no more contact, no more bond between brothers and sisters. » The choice to cut ties with a brother or sister because they are criticized for having been the darling is often badly experienced by those who are rejected, because they are not responsible for this situation.
Twins:mistakes to avoid
Regarding the twins, the image of Épinal is that of a close-knit duo, yet this is not always the case. Xavier and Victoria were born 16 years ago. If these twins unite in adversity, in everyday life, they do not get along and bicker constantly. Each in turn having encountered difficulties at school, their mother separated them in primary school. "It allowed them to develop better, because I realized that Victoria's personality tended to stifle Xavier's" , she testifies. It is indeed important to help twins develop their own personalities. For example, it is now accepted, unlike in the past, not to dress twins identically. It is often in the eyes of others that identity is built, but they do not necessarily have the same tastes. In order to differentiate them, they should not be enrolled in the same sports classes or the same hobbies either. We must also call them each by their first name and not “the twins”. If it is not essential to separate them from kindergarten, it is considered that it can be beneficial not to put them in the same class from primary school.
*All names have been changed.
