The story about our newly formed family is complicated, which is why the names are fictitious and a number of things are named differently. Not only the newly formed family is special, but also the way there.
It starts in August 1998, when I am almost 14 years old myself. My sister (Sasha) is 12 years old, my other sister (Lilly) 9 years and my brother (Bob) is 8.
We went on holiday abroad for the first time as a family. With the coach to Spain and what were we looking forward to. It was a great holiday and we all had a great time. Not knowing that this would be the last holiday as a family…
My parents had been married for almost 15 years and were no longer happy together. The marriage they had was complicated and very difficult. As a teenager, I had known for a long time that my parents often argued. Even though they tried to do that when we weren't around and when they told us they were getting divorced, it didn't come as a surprise to me.
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In 1999 the divorce was final and my father left us to live in a small apartment in a city 23 km away with his new girlfriend and her son. Because both my parents soon had a new relationship and how that came about is also a special story.
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My parents had a shop in our village and regular customers came there too. Rik regularly visited the store and my mother developed feelings for him. This was mutual and so something blossomed between the two. After my parents' divorce was final, Rik also decided to leave his wife so that he could be with my mother.
Rik's wife came into contact with my father and something blossomed between the two as well. My father decided to live with Stacy and my mother went on a date with Rik. This because she wanted to put her children first and all four of us continued to live with my mother. Rik and Stacy also had a son, Tim. He was the same age as my sister Lilly at the time. Tim also continued to live with his mother and his parents had visitation rights for him. My sisters and I went to my father's house whenever we felt like it, but we were also a bit older and of course didn't really live nearby. We saw our father regularly and so did Tim.
The relationship between Tim and us was difficult. He was an only child and of course we were used to having brothers and sisters. For Tim it was simply difficult that he suddenly had to share his things and that he had to take into account others in a newly composed family. As a result, there were quite a few conflicts among themselves and it was not always easy.
The same goes for my gift Dad Rik, because that's what I call him. Stepdad sounds unkind and I finally got it as a present 😉 . He had 1 child to take care of and suddenly he had 4 teenagers. Certainly not to take care of, because he didn't live with us. But he was there regularly and still had to deal with us.
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And in all honesty, we were terribly difficult and rebellious teenagers. My mother did not have the strength to act against this and actually thought too much was fine and offered us too few limits. This resulted in disrespectful behavior from us towards our mother and Rik had a lot of trouble with that. He was not used to this from his own son. This regularly led to conflicts between him and us. We often shouted that he should not interfere because he was not our father, so no peanuts, so such a newly composed family.
My mother found that very difficult, but she saw that Rik was right. Because of this she has also changed and became stronger towards us in setting boundaries. She didn't let anyone walk all over her anymore.
This was of course not without a struggle, because they also sometimes had words about the way of parenting. Rik and my mother were so different about that and both had their own views on the issue of parenting. But after trial and error, they found a way to deal with this together and they both had to give and take.
My mother has always been home with us, because my father worked full time and they had 4 children. After they divorced in 1999, my mother entered the social services. She thought this was terrible and in 2000 she started training in care as a helper. She then worked her way up to a nurse in 6 years. Until 2005 she only took care of us, did 3 courses, worked and kept everything up to date at home.
All I can say now is that she is truly a power woman! I am so proud of the way she did everything she could to build her own life with us after her divorce. Also because my brother went to live with his father in 2000 because he missed him so much. My mother found it very difficult and it broke her heart, but she let him go and never showed Bob how much it hurt her. After having lived with my father and Stacy for 2 years, it was decided in good consultation that Bob would go back to live with his mother. He was unmanageable with my dad and he and Stacy just couldn't handle him. So all four of us lived at my mother's house again and it was chaotic, but fun.
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In 2003 my father suddenly showed up on my mother's doorstep with a garbage bag of clothes. It had all gone wrong between him and Stacy and she had kicked him out. Because he had nowhere to go, my mother went to live with Rik temporarily and my father with us. This lasted about 6 months and then my father was assigned a flat in our village. My mother was able to return to her own house and my sister Sacha and I have decided to live with my father.
Afterwards, my mother told me that she was very sorry, but she never said this because they did not want to hinder us in making our own choices. Now that I am a mother myself, I understand that that must have been terribly difficult. Then only Lilly and Bob still lived with my mother and she and Rik decided to live together, this was in 2005. They bought a house together in a village a little further away and they still live there. They have now been married for 11 years and are very happy together. Tim then lived with his mother for a while and soon started living on his own near his mother.
My father is still alone and all the children are out and have built their own family and life. The bond we have is very close and now that I look back on it I can say that we have all done very well together.
In my opinion, the most important thing in a blended family is to be open and honest. There will always be conflicts and you simply cannot avoid them. It doesn't matter, as long as you talk everything out and then move on. Having respect for each other and respecting each other is also an important thing. Because when two families come together, two different upbringings flow together. This is very difficult, but as long as you respect everyone's opinion and everyone is heard, the chances of success are high. My mother has always said to Rik; 'Don't make me choose between you or my children, because then I will choose my kids'.
Another important factor is the contact between the adults in the situation in question. My parents and Tim's parents have always been mature towards each other. They could and still can all go through 1 door and have never burdened the children with negative talk about the other parent or the gift parent. If a birthday is being celebrated, I can invite everyone at the same time and it's fun too. I have always experienced this as pleasant, because how annoying is it when your father puts your gift father in a bad light?
That is why I am extremely proud of our newly formed family with all our idiosyncrasies. I love everyone equally and can't imagine it being any different. I hope for everyone who is now in the same boat, that they find as much happiness as we do and have just as much fun with each other. Because when we are together it is chaotic and busy, but always fun. It was a difficult road that we walked, but the final destination has been worth it.
Image used via Shutterstock
