Kindergarten quarrel. I have a problem raising my 4 year old son. When we are alone together, he is sweet, listens well and plays independently. Unfortunately, his behavior is completely different when he comes into contact with other children. Daan is now 4 and often takes friends home or goes to play with other children. When he is with other children he behaves wild and unruly. If he doesn't get his way, he gets angry and starts crying. He also hits and kicks other children to get his way, i.e. toddler quarrel. It doesn't seem to affect him that another child is in pain. I involve him in the child's grief to show that his behavior results in his boyfriend's pain. If it gets out of hand, I put him in the hallway to punish him for his behavior.
Why does he not listen well when he is with other children? Why is he so rough with other children and how can I best deal with this?
Most toddlers prefer to win and have a hard time accepting their loss. They are full of themselves and absolutely want to play the game the way they have in mind. For example, playing a board game without arguing is almost an impossible task at this age.
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The problem lies in the fact that preschoolers regard the rules of the game as they have learned at home as absolute and therefore valid everywhere. In order to make a game also accessible to 4-year-olds, parents usually adjust the rules of the box a bit at home. For example, if your son now plays 'don't get annoyed' with his boyfriend according to the rules as everyone has learned at home, then within a short period of time a hefty toddler quarrel about who plays the game fairly or not. However, the same disagreement can also arise when building a castle or who can (or must) be the tagger.
If you discuss in advance how and according to which rules a game will be played, it prevents disappointments and tantrums and that is very important. It is also difficult for some preschoolers to be the 'manager' (they were the oldest) in the playroom after a period of time, now having to take into account more than 25 other opinions in the class.
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If you now guide your son a little more when playing with his friends and express what he finds difficult, he will show less unruly behavior. Make a clear appointment with him first. Formulate in a positive sense what you mean by having fun together. Also discuss two solutions in case the game doesn't turn out the way he wants it to. Let him come up with one useful tip of his own. Now don't walk out of the room, but help your son remember the two tips. Praise him when he tries to apply it. Keep an eye on things and don't empty the mailbox at the moment, for example.
In short:focus more on success and less on punishment! Is it getting out of hand? Only then use punishment in the form of a time out in the hallway.
Image used via Shutterstock
