How do you make love with a reconstructed breast after a mastectomy? Will I manage to tame this new body? To find the path of desire, of pleasure? These questions, few women dare to address them with their doctor. “It is estimated that approximately 40% of women treated for breast cancer then encounter difficulties in their sexual life (1), however, sexuality after cancer is still very taboo, we are only just beginning to talk about it . This is not the job of oncologists, and gynecologists are very rarely trained in these questions “, laments Catherine Adler-Tal, onco-psychologist, sexologist and vice-president of the Étincelle association. , which offers support to women who have suffered from cancer. “I often take the lead in broaching the subject,” she continues. Women are relieved to be able to talk about it, but they don't necessarily do it on their own. It seems a little futile to them at a time when they are fighting for their lives... “Associations, networks of patients… It is often with other women who are going through the same thing that words can be released on this intimate subject. “It’s very valuable to be able to discuss this. »
"Taking care of your desire, your pleasure again, is very liberating:it's a snub to illness, a way of feeling alive again “says Laure Guéroult-Accolas, affected by a mastectomy in 2010 and founder in July 2014 of the social network My breast cancer network . The most common female cancer, breast cancer affects nearly 50,000 women each year, 20,000 of whom must undergo a mastectomy, a total removal of the breast (2). After this mutilation which affects the very symbolism of femininity, of motherhood... sexuality is never the same again. “I have a lot of trouble letting myself be touched in that area , recognizes Catherine, 40, who underwent a mastectomy a year and a half ago. I'm not comfortable with my body because I'm missing a part of myself. I still can't look at myself in the mirror, I spend very little time without a bra or prosthesis... In addition to chemo or hormone therapy treatments, which cause a drop in libido and deleterious side effects for sexuality (itching, vaginal dryness, etc.), you have to try to reclaim your body, to tune in again the right to pleasure. “When we make love, I can’t let myself go like before. I, who am very feminine, have lost confidence in myself when it comes to sex appeal. It's not easy to continue to take care of this body that betrayed you, that hurt you, to agree to give it pleasure... explains Caroline, 37.
Some women have invested their breasts a lot as an object of seduction or eroticism, others less... Mutilation does not have the same impact for everyone. For Catherine, a 40-year-old victim of a failed reconstruction, which she bitterly regrets today, the loss of breasts – and the sensations that go with them – was experienced as a tragedy:“When my husband caresses me in this area, at best I don't feel anything, and sometimes it's even unpleasant. For me, they aren't even breasts anymore, they're things, bumps, they're not mine... It's a mourning that I still haven't managed to do... “, she confides. For others, mutilation is less cruel. “I suffered so much from having large breasts, that before the illness I even inquired about breast reductions. Finally, I feel very flat “, explains Stéphanie, 40 years old. Margot, 29, took advantage of the reconstruction to get a big chest – a 90 C, she proudly announces. “I was very complexed by my small chest and now that I finally have big breasts, I see it as a kind of reward, revenge for the disease. I almost feel more like a woman now… Margot's marriage did not survive the illness. “But we already had relationship problems before “, admits the young woman, who has just found love again. “My breasts haven't been completely rebuilt yet, it's expensive, I don't have any nipples yet… When I met Sébastien six months ago, I preferred to let him know right away, but it didn't stop him at all. The scars were still very red, he even gave me some cream. The first time we made love, I saw in his eyes that he thought I was beautiful despite the scars. »
To reconcile with his new body, with his femininity, the gaze of a loving and desiring man plays an essential role... Of course, you have to take your time, respect everyone's rhythm. “I haven’t shown my man my scars yet, I’m waiting for him to be ready. He is very much in denial, he had a hard time accepting my illness says Chrystelle, 38, who underwent a double mastectomy three weeks ago. If the look of men does not necessarily change, it is often the one that women have on them that is the fiercest. "My husband still wants me, but I'm the one who doesn't feel attractive anymore. I lost 8 kg, I have a scar of almost 20 cm. I find it hard to understand that he can still desire me... “says Hélène, 33 years old. "A lot of women say to themselves, 'If I don't love myself anymore, how can he love me again?' It is a mistake to think in the place of the other... sums up Catherine Adler-Tal.
To avoid showing themselves completely naked, many rely on more subdued lights, small babydolls, adapted lingerie... often too expensive, in general opinion. “I would like to put on coordinated models that are a little sexy, but in the specific lingerie that I have to wear, there are more granny panties than thongs, or else it costs a fortune… “, regrets Hélène. “We work a lot on ways to hide your scars, to use specialized lingerie:you already have to make your body pleasant for yourself before it is for the other, to feel sufficiently comfortable with yourself to find the letting go necessary for a happy sexuality explains Alexandra Stulz, clinical psychologist in the oncology department of Saint-Joseph Hospital. After the illness, sexuality necessarily evolves... and is rebuilt together. " The disease changes a lot of things:the relationship to the body, to life, to pleasure... It's important to talk about it together, to tell each other what you want or not , continues the psychologist. Couples often learn to touch each other differently, in a more sensual, more intimate way, with longer foreplay, the discovery, sometimes, of new erogenous zones... Many show a nice creativity. »
(1) Survey “Intimacy and sexuality after breast cancer”, Institut Curie with the support of Simone Pérèle, 2008.
(2) Societal Cancer Observatory of the League Against Cancer, April 2015.
The tribulations of a single forty-year-old woman and her redone breast. How to get used to your new body and therefore how to hope to find a lover. In a whirlwind of energy, the author (former editor-in-chief of Biba) evokes, among other things, her fear that a man would see her naked, her questioning whether to tell on the first date and how to trick her into announce:"I'm not shaved… but that's not the worst part! and if she can still believe in love. Bridget Jones style, she manages to make us laugh and move us with her daily life, her adventures, her disappointments and her hopes. A breath of fresh air for all those who like to have fun and enjoy life... (with or without a breast!).
Before, I had two breasts, Delphine Apiou, Éditions Robert Laffont, €10.90.
