It's been a while since I wrote about my adolescent and especially about letting go of that adolescent. And that's because I'm constantly in two minds with myself. Besides -of course- the struggle I have with our teenager. Because no matter how proud I am of him, man man man, what can adolescents get the blood from under your nails! And then people think that you have to let go of your adolescent. How?
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I am somewhat triggered by the book 'Adolescent management for men by Henk Hansen. He asked me if I was interested in reading his book and I thought it was a good idea. Especially because we have to deal with an adolescent son in the house of 17 and a starting adolescent daughter of 12. And I could actually write a book about that myself. About how not to do it then. I would also like to point out that this book may have 'for men' in the title, but it is just as useful for women. Or for women who also try to get their husbands involved in raising and letting go of their adolescent.
So I started reading. And even though we already do a lot of things right (think of clothing allowance and such), a lot still goes wrong.
And that going wrong is in very small things. Which aren't really important at all. But they do lead to an explosion of feelings. With the teenager and with me. Let me outline the situation:
I came home from sports in the afternoon and my teenage daughter was sitting on the couch munching on peanuts. With a 17-year-old teenage son, we are of course already used to those binge eating, so it doesn't surprise me anymore. Immediately upon entering, daughter asks why the extractor hood in the annex is on. That can only mean one thing to me… snacks have gone into the airfryer. Around 1.30 pm I left the house to exercise and my teenage son was still at home. During his huge breaks during his internship he will undoubtedly have got hungry. And then he only thinks of one thing:fast food.
Not in itself what we had agreed, because our teenage son had already eaten instant noodles for lunch. And to my in-between remark that that isn't very healthy, he replied:'That's right, but I'll eat an apple later'. shouted out.
Anyway, when I got home I confronted him about it. I asked if the snacks were tasty and if the apple still worked. A look at the fruit bowl taught me - of course - that the apple was still there.
And then it happened. Adolescent son looked at me and said 'I didn't put anything in the airfryer'. And that's where it goes wrong for me. I can (I think) have quite a lot and let go of my adolescent just fine. And when my son is in a good mood, he also agrees that he has pretty cool parents. But I really hate that lying!
Before I know it I'm full of emotion about the fact that adolescent son is not honest. And that while we very regularly have conversations about trust in each other. How important trust is, and that trust can also be quickly discarded. But that doesn't seem to get through at all. Not even now. A bit à la the adolescent sweat conversations.
So I decide to let go of the adolescent, but also to let go of my worries. Since he has to eat early three evenings a week because of his side job, I'm always on time in the kitchen. Not this time. I yelled at him to grab a sandwich. Bland, I know. But sometimes I can't do anything else.
Of course the teenager recalls that I could have said that earlier, haha. As if he ever told me anything. I ask him just before he goes to work if he understands why I didn't feel like cooking for him now and he admits that he understands that it is because he lied to me. Apparently - after a while - there is understanding again.
The moment he's out the door for his side job, I yell at Frank, who has now come home from work. This way I can also let off some steam and it will be quiet in the house again.
The above is of course just one small example of our daily worries. Letting go of the adolescent is generally okay. We allow him to chill out with friends, occasionally stays somewhere that we don't even know who exactly, and makes it as late at night as it suits him. The only rule we have about this is that he text me when he comes home. And that he returns home. This way I have a kind of 'control' from the moment he is on the road. He also has his location sharing turned on so we know where he is at all times.
Because well, 17 is almost 18 of course and that seems like a sacred age for teenagers. Then they are adults. NOT! But we think it's better to slowly grow into this rather than let him go completely off when he turns 18.
However, this does not alter the fact that letting go of the adolescent is not without a struggle. It is difficult to let your child discover everything on their own. Especially if you know that he or she makes the wrong choices in your eyes. When do you intervene and when not?
The book 'Adolescent management for men' puts this into perspective. And that is very nice to read. It is so obvious that (almost) every parent is going through this era. One of the sentences that stuck with me is the following:
"You just have to throw the penny back in every time, until it finally falls."
And that is a truth as a cow. In the beginning it was a misery to ensure that the adolescent actually texted when he came home. And that he reported back home. But after about half a year of 'practice', this now seems to really work. Now the rest.
I also throw a slogan at it myself:'Choose your battles'. You are not going to win them. Probably almost none of them, but maybe you as a parent also have a windfall every now and then when letting go of your adolescent. And by not making everything a problem, life becomes easier. And the atmosphere is much better.
Admittedly, in the heat of battle that can be difficult. But my greatest wish is that my adolescents - once they leave the house - are not just nice young adults with the right standards and values. But they also like to come home.
So the book Puberty Management for Men is now up for grabs. And every time we have a battle to fight or have to let go of the adolescent a bit more, I pick it up again. And not only me, I also push it into Frank's hands. Because he may need it even more than I do 😉 .
How do you deal with your adolescents?
Do you also want to know more about the adolescent brain and learn more about adolescents in a light-hearted way? Then I can definitely recommend the book Pubermanagement for men.
As I mentioned above, we currently have the book up for grabs. Not only because I haven't read it completely yet, but also as a reminder. As a 'note to myself' that many parents have trouble understanding their adolescent and letting go. And that many teenagers are no different from ours. It's not up to us. Not our upbringing. It's in the brains of these long lanky and tiktok followers.
The book ensures that there is space in my head again in a light tone when emotions are high. It gives me handles here and there, but especially that mirror again. Because secretly we know 'inside' how to deal with these thunderstones. It's just so hard in some situations. And then it is nice to read that there are more than enough scientific studies that show that there is nothing you can do about it. But neither does your adolescent!
Finally, I would like to tell you that - if you are full of emotion due to, for example, a collision with your adolescent - it is a good idea to pick up this book. I notice in myself that I am immediately pulled out of the emotional state. And that remains one of the most important characteristics for a good conversation with your adolescent. Don't be too emotional yourself.
Do you also every now and then need to read that you are not the only one and do you want to delve into how you can deal with your adolescent (even) better?
I can give away 2 copies of Pubermanagement for men. And as I said… definitely recommended for women as well. Do you want a chance to win this book? Then comment below which characteristic of your adolescent you find most difficult to deal with.
The giveaway will run until December 30, 2021, after which we will draw the winners who will be notified automatically.
