Anonymous we received the article below. About relationship problems and relationship therapy. But also about the surprising discovery that breaking a pattern starts with yourself.
Problems in your relationship. It can occur at any time and in anyone, regardless of age. Every relationship has its highs and lows. When I look around me, it's normal and no cause for concern. Certainly not in young families, because raising children requires a lot from yourself and your relationship. Relationship problems are therefore no exception, but that does not mean that you should do something about them.
Sometimes you can't get out of a difficult period, or there is doubt whether you still want to continue in the relationship. In such a case, it can be a good idea to start a conversation with a relationship therapist. I've even read about couples going into therapy as a precaution, just to 'enrich' their relationship!
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Just to get straight to the point. My partner and I took the step and had an interview. Not that I just brought him there, but in the end I'm very happy that we sat there together.
Within our relationship there were many negative feelings which ensured that we were in a negative and especially downward spiral. Of course these feelings also arise in a certain way and have not always been there, but because they have been so intense and even visible to the outside world in recent months, we could no longer continue our relationship. We wanted to stop.
In my view, therapy was the last resort, we no longer understood each other, no longer spoke the same language.
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However, during this session, we found out that our needs aren't quite as different as I thought, despite our relationship problems. But, as is often the case in a relationship between a man and a woman, we differ, among other things, in how this is expressed. Read; intimacy and good conversations, but also sharing time and spending time together in addition to paying attention to the children. Different in the field of work, social activities and hobbies. They are all things that have caused us problems and where our noses turned the other way. We have now received tools from which we have benefited until now.
Tip:I had prepared myself by means of a letter. I wanted to be able to tell in a calm and structured manner what I felt, what I encountered and what I wanted (or what I didn't). That has helped enormously.
I also saw my partner really listen and speak for the first time in years, something I really couldn't have done without this therapist. We listened to each other and created understanding. We now feel that we understand each other better and are trying to work in the same direction again. The distance that had arisen between us can thus become smaller again. A positive pattern arises again, which automatically ensures more positivity. And we could use the latter!
The biggest lesson I've learned? Changing your relationship or breaking a negative circle always starts with yourself. Weird, but really true! I'm not saying that everything is fixed now, or that you won't relapse. We are fighting hard and time will tell if we can keep our heads above water, not only for our own sake, but also for the children.
Additional fact: The ChristenUnie currently has a proposal to include couples therapy in the basic health insurance package.
Hint:
a concrete and practical book can be found here
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