This is how your child stays angry , while you clearly explained why it is not allowed.
'I'm so tired of it… The same questions over and over and I keep explaining why it's not allowed. I also don't understand what I'm doing wrong, I'm doing it exactly as it 'should'. I name his feeling, I say I understand that he doesn't like it, I explain very clearly what the reason is for my no, but still it always ends in a tantrum. And not only from him, I can't really control myself after answering a dozen times. How do I go about this?'
Parenting coach Annelies van Saskia, mother of two children, aged 6 and 3, was asked this question. And she is not the only one who gets frustrated with her angry child, so she would like to show you what is happening here and how you can also handle such a situation.
Table of Contents
Because how can it be that Saskia's children keep nagging, nagging and being angry, while she neatly follows all the 'rules' of parenting? It's good to realize that just because your child is angry doesn't mean YOU handled it wrong. It means that your child is not yet very good at dealing with disappointments.
Imagine yourself. You are finally going out for an evening with your husband/boyfriend/partner. It's been way too long since you two really did something fun together. You have tickets to a cool concert and you've been looking forward to it for months. I mean, you do plenty of fun things, but it's always all about the kids. And let's face it, a day at Plopsaland is different from a date night with your lover.
Today is finally here. You're all dressed up, ready to go. Until you receive a notification on your phone that the concert is canceled because the artist is ill.
GRR… That's nice. There you are in your little black dress with your smokey eyes. Disillusioned, you put on your house suit again. That will be another evening watching The Voice with a blanket on the couch. It doesn't get really cozy anymore, because you are quite grumpy…
Can you imagine? You don't get very angry like your child, but you are very disappointed that the concert is cancelled. Of course you understand, rationally, that someone who is sick can't give a concert, but that doesn't mean you don't hate it all evening. You are mad.
Look, you are (hopefully) not going to slam your fists on the ground and yell while screaming that you can 'never' do anything and that life is fair, but you will probably curse/swear a few times or at least be grumpy for stare at you.
That's how it works with your child. The fact that he may well know that your answer is and will remain "No" does not mean that he is not angry or disappointed about it.
And children are not yet able to express those feelings in a 'normal' way , so you'll find them in a tantrum end up or just keep nagging and whining to get their way anyway.
If your angry child keeps nagging and nagging, that doesn't mean you have to explain it one more time, let alone explain it 10 more times. Your child still finds it difficult to accept your 'no' n. That is something he has yet to learn.
So what can you say if your child wants something that is not allowed? Well for example the following:
'Yes, I know you really want to go on the iPad (name that anyway), but I have now explained to you 3 times why that is not allowed. Tomorrow you can use the iPad again.'
Or
'You can have a sweet this afternoon, if you want to eat something now you can have an apple.'
If your child then continues to whine, and there is a good chance, after all, they are still children, make sure that you do not compete with your child. Because that's what often happens.
You have resolved to be a calm and patient mother, so if your child asks you something, you answer calmly and patiently † It does work… at least a few times. But if your angry child continues to whine, there will eventually be little left of that patient mother and you will eventually explode.
It is therefore important that you indicate your boundary calmly and clearly and make sure you don't let your frustration get too far. Because you are not Mother Theresa, no one can remain calm if you have to repeat the same thing a thousand times, without result. So that is an impossible task, completely pointless.
Be clear and then leave the problem with your child † So always ask yourself:'Who actually has a problem in this situation?'
So does your child keep nagging after you've been very clear? Then feel free to say:
'I've been clear enough. I know you'd like it different, but that's the way it is. I'm not going to answer it for a while."
Does your child then remain angry? Then realize that you don't have to solve that for him † He just has to learn to deal with his emotions and with 'no'. And the only way to learn that is if you offer him enough opportunities to practice with it.
Want to read more? The book 'Supermama's do not exist' contains many more insights, tips and advice to ensure that your child listens to you better, without having to end up in that battle with your child again and again. You can download the sneak preview for free here or order the book directly.
About the author of the book and this article:
Her name is Annelies Bobeldijk, the parenting expert in the Netherlands for mothers who hate that their child does not listen and who struggle every day about everyday things. I show you how it can be done differently, in a sober, practical and humorous way.
Are you stimulated by this article by Annelies and would you like to read more? We are allowed to give away a copy of her book. Let us know in a comment below what 'problems' you experience in raising your child and maybe you'll win this book. This giveaway runs until February 15, 2020.
